6DP3DT – Stupid Roller Coaster
That’s the best way to describe this process. An absolutely, stupid roller coaster.
If you can simply forget to pull-out, break a condom, forget a pill, hell take the birth control…. And get knocked up. Seriously, feel happy. Be thankful. It may not be the ideal time to have a baby, but damn it – Just thank the world for what you have and realize that mistake is probably the best mistake you’ll ever make. Or choose adoption – There is some couple out there who would sell their souls (quite literally) to love your child.
I wish I could just accidentally get pregnant. I’d take it. 100%. It’s amazing, you spend life trying to prevent pregnancies – just to realize, you couldn’t get pregnant if you spent thousands of dollars, bought every supplement in existence, stood on your head, quacked like a duck, while dressed like Unicorn. Pathetic. I really despise my body lately – It’s a constant freaking let-down.
So, 6DP3DT – equivalent to 9DPO.
I feel like absolute crap. I know it’s too early for pregnancy symptoms due to legit HCG and a real embryo growing. Nah, I feel awful thanks to the hormones I continuously have to put into my body every day. It’s great – My body is full of hormones to make it think it’s pregnant and to make it do what it needs to do. So, with that I get to experience the joys of pregnancy discomforts – while quite possibly not even being pregnant. It’s like spending 4 – 5 weeks feeling awful from all the meds – to get nothing out of the deal. I hope I’m wrong. I hope this misery is for something. However, this constant nausea, headache, acidy feeling is getting to be too much.
I did my Midway Labs today – So just progesterone and estrogen. I had to go look. So last week on Tuesday (0DP3DT) they were 563.1 (E2) and >60 (P4). Last transfer they were – 335.1 (E2) and >60 P4 at transfer, 634.7 (E2) and 56.98 (P4) at Midways and then beta day I had – 36.62 (P4) and <3 (HCG). I’m not really sure if I want to see them stay the same or rise for midways… I think I just want to see them stay above like 20 and 100. Though, you’d think rising would be better as it may mean your body is acknowledging a pregnancy? I have no idea. I did just search the group I’m in and learned – Midways are not an indicator of shit. Ha. Go figure.
Currently, I’m on PIO, Prog, Est, HCG Boosters. The concept of boosters is to help a low rising beta be more successful, to assist your body in acting like there is a pregnancy so if you have one trying to start and your body isn’t the greatest it’ll magically just think it’s pregnant and agree. Problem with boosters – Home Tests are garbage. The research I’ve done, on average, 20 – 30 HCG are all boosters. Basically I need an HCG over 50 to really know I’m pregnant. There is a chance a 20something HCG can be low-rising and a pregnancy, but not the most likely. Of course, it depends on how your body metabolizes HCG, how long it’s been since you’re shot, etc. I’m taking 25 units of HCG about 9:30 p.m. After reading a ton, I’d hoped I could do a home test at like 9:20 p.m. RIGHT before I did my shot – Then it would be out of my system for the most part, or at least lower. Less likely to get a false positive if I used a test that needs 25 miu or more. Etc. Good concept, right?
So I tested last night with a very cheap, (garbage), test that needs 25 miu – the reviews state nobody ever gets a positive (they were free with the OPK’s is the only reason I have those ones)… It was so beyond negative. Like SUPER freaking negative. As expected. However, I also thought I’d test with the Clear Blue Digital – I researched that it had to be 25 miu to get a positive. So, I should be good? 24 hours after shots, only taking 25 units, there’s no way I’d have 25 miu at that point. I simply wanted a negative, so I could repeat the digital in the same time frame in a few days and see what I got…
Well, BOOM, positive. Great, right? No, not freaking great. Now, I can’t use that as a reference point. The other test with the same cutoff level is negative, while this one clearly says pregnant. Mindfuck 101 begins. I then search the group I’m in, ya know with all the other poor souls that have went before me, and come up with – Digitals are garbage on boosters. Yeah, they say 25 MIU, but one woman says she got a positive on it and her beta was 9. A few say they also got positives and they had low betas under 20. There’s a couple that do say they had negatives, before positives. But for the most part it appears Clear Blue lies and you can get a positive with much less than 25 miu. (Great for any of you that want to test early for a normal pregnancy! You’re in luck that CB just may hook you up with an early result of pregnant. Yay for you – BOOOO for me.
Essentially that was pointless testing that just gave me a brief moment of – “maybe this is going to happen” – followed by too much research and a “this will never work” feeling.
Thus, today I’m just not feeling hopeful – I know it’s early. 100% know this. But that stupid cheap test should have a line from 25 miu too. Unless it’s THAT bad of a test I guess. I don’t know. I always hear the repeat from that first consult “on average it takes 3 transfers to have a live birth”… I’m only 2 transfers in. I see the ladies that are on transfer 7 and 8 with no luck. I see the pain, the soul crushing negatives, etc. I see firsthand how hard it is to get pregnant in this world. How hard it is to have a baby when your body doesn’t want to participate. It’s bullshit.
Today, I’m trying to remain optimistic, yet not set myself up for failure or unrealistic dreams. I don’t know – I just don’t “feel” like it worked. I don’t have a moment of being like “hey, I’m really pregnant this time”. Nothing. Just doom that I’m waiting for failed betas to quit these medications and move on with my life.
What’s next?
I don’t know.
Today – today, I don’t think I’ll do another retrieval. I think it’s over. I got what I got and I’m done. It is what it is.
Leaving me with 3, less than perfect, embryos…. I think next I’ll transfer the LLM girl. Give her a shot. I’ve debated if I’d transfer her alone or with others. I think she needs a chance alone – the others have the potential of being bad. I was hoping I could transfer her in August, but I don’t know my availability. So, I guess I plan to transfer her in September. Should she fail – I’d like to transfer the two boys together in October. Both are abnormal – with one supposedly a polyploid and one a full aneuploid with complex mosaic issues and possible full abnormal turner’s syndrome. Maybe one can self-correct and work. Maybe both can self-correct and work. Maybe neither will work. Maybe the poly is really poly and will give me a molar pregnancy and I can just have a hysterectomy and close this chapter forever. Personally, I think I almost *need* that. Need a reason this chapter is forever closed. Need to move forward as I can’t keep living in this life. Why would I transfer all of these and just give up? If I can get them all transferred by November 4th – no storage fee, no more pending embryos, flat $700 transfer fee. It’s cost-effective and well, I just don’t want embryos frozen waiting for me to figure it out. They’ll work or they won’t. The end.
Should all 6 of these fail (the current ones pending implantation) and the 3 on ice – I need to be done. That will be a grand total of 10 embryos that never made it anywhere. 10 embryos to be left with empty arms. That’s enough loss for me. I think I’d rather jump off a cliff than keep experiencing this level of heartache. No thanks. (Obviously, should *he* want to continue with another retrieval I’d think about it – But currently, without his unwavering support, I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t do this process alone. I’m strong – but I’m not that strong.)
So, I guess I have a game plan. By November, I’ll be pregnant or I’ll be figuring out what in the hell the next chapter of my life will bring. I’ve thought about this chapter a little – Maybe I’ll sell my house, pay off my car, put all my equity in savings, live in my car, find a job that pays enough to eat and say fuck the world… For real. I’d look damn good on a street corner and I’m kind of tired of adulting today.
Today – today, I have no drive. I want to cry. I want to accept a lonely future and just go with it.