I Found the Solution.

I’ve figured it out, I think.  Why the people I want don’t want me.  Because I’m fat.  Like, I have great chemistry with them, and I think they WANT to like me, but they can’t get past my physical appearance.  I’ll get more into it in a little bit.

I went to this place that does plastic surgery.  They fixed the scar on my face, so I went back to them to ask about either doing lipo or a tummy tuck.  They said I shouldn’t do lipo because it would just create more loose skin (from where I’ve lost about 50 pounds).  And they won’t do a tummy tuck until I lose more weight.  They were going to start me on some drug… you go once a week and they give you these shots, but the side effects sound bad.  They are supposed to help with weight loss, and I’m sure they do, but there’s no way I can drive an hour every single week to get these shots that are going to make me feel like shit.  I can lose weight on my own, it’s just going to take a bit, I suppose.

Anyway, on my way to the plastic surgery place, I remember feeling pretty good about myself.  I’ve lost some weight since I left the ex-shit-donut.  We don’t have any full-length mirrors in our house, so I see like from just below my waist and up.  So, when I got to this place, they made me strip down and look in a full-length mirror and I was horrified by what I saw.  Like, I know I’m still overweight, but damn.  It’s like all the work I’ve put in to lose weight doesn’t really matter because I still look like complete shit.  And the guy was pinching the loose skin on my stomach while I stared at all the cellulite on my thighs that I didn’t even know I had.  It was horrible.

Then a few days ago I went to a concert with my friend, Lora.  I had brought a really cute outfit that I thought looked decent in our mirror at home (what I could see), but when I was at the hotel and I saw myself in that full length mirror, I was horrified again.  I looked like a can of busted biscuits.  Lora, on the other hand, looked perfect.  She’s skinny and pretty.  And it’s like she barely put much effort into her outfit, but still looked way more amazing than me.  And she took pics of me and a couple of the singers, and I looked awful.  So fucking fat.

So, I get it now.  I am 90% sure Troy didn’t want me because he’s not attracted to me.  We have good chemistry and we’re great friends and have a lot of fun, but he sure as fuck doesn’t seem that enthusiastic about being physical with me.  Wouldn’t even kiss me.  And we’ve barely talked since then.  And the last time I saw Otha, I remember before we started full out flirting hard-core, he was trying to test the waters, and was hinting a lot… he said something like, “It doesn’t matter what a person looks like, even if they have a bigger body, what matters is their aura and our chemistry.”  Which sounds nice, but I also know he was hinting like “You’re fat, but I’d still do you… maybe.”  And yeah, he did kiss me, but we’ve barely talked since then.  If he was really interested, it wouldn’t even be a question.

And I don’t want Chris anymore, but I know if I had been skinny and more attractive, he would have wanted me more.  He fucked me, yes, but he wants a hot girlfriend he can show off.  I know his type.  That’s why he chose psychotic Haliey who has physically assaulted him over me.  This is the girl that stalked me, tried sending me messages pretending to be Chris, found out my work schedule, and had someone spying on us.  Yeah.  That’s the girl he chose over me.  But hey, at least she’s pretty.

And I can try to work on my self-esteem all I want, but it’s not going to be very great until I lose weight and feel more confident about my body/physical appearance.  Yes, that’s shallow, and yes it shouldn’t be that way.  But that’s what society has done.  Trained us all that we must be skinny and beautiful to be loved and wanted.  And I’ve lost weight several times.  In high school I got down to 108 pounds.  Every time I’ve done it though, I’ve had to starve myself.  I’m sorry this is so depressing.  I’ll try to write about the concert I went to in my next entry.