Head rambles

I took Ethan to karate today. Spent my last $20 on him for a couple dogs and curly fries. When I brought him I was greeted by 2 of the others, but not Morgen. Apparently he was out driving with his “step father”.

That hurt.

I feel as though I’ve been replaced entirely. I see all the changes at the old home that Patty and I discussed. The life I planned and built is going on for someone else and it kills me to this day.

I can’t separate myself from it as I need to. I don’t have distractions like a new girl, friends that invite me over, or even siblings that give 2 shots.

Go for walks. I do any as I stagger through the knee pain, I still dwell. Watch a movie, TV, or game. I still dwell. The books I read are ones that are supposed to stop the thinking.

Food has become I friend again. Never complaining, never blaming, just slowly making me more fat and miserable, but in a good way. I want to go back to smoking, but can’t afford to.

I’ve been told I have a kidney stone lodged in my urethra or ureter or whatever the tube between your kidney and bladder is. There’s no pain, at all, but it’s causing havoc to my right kidney, so I have to have a surgery next Tuesday. Guess what? No one will answer me about helping me. I would drive myself, but they won’t let me.

So at this moment I’m really hating being me more than I normally hate being me. I’m alone. The oldest doesn’t want to come hang out. Morgen is off with him. It’s too late for the young ones. If only I was still there in the life I made. I could be holding my youngest watching TV or helping with homework or just enjoying the outside with my love. Instead I’m in a weird apartment, with shitty inconsiderate neighbors, no money, no where to go and junk food.