trying to be positive (:

school today was pretty easy, all we did was study. our teacher wasnt there today, unfortunately her mother passed and yesterday was her birthday. so i can understand why she didnt want to be at school. it makes sense. my back left hip has been hurting like crazy and im not sure what is going on. i wonder if i can fix it here soon. that would be nice. i started reading One Piece and so far i am loving it. it makes me want to watch the anime too. i might do that when i have more time. i dont have time for that. i am literally delusional when i think i can engage in some serious hobbies and then i realize i hardly even have an hour to sit down and watch anime. i did go swimming yesterday too. that was really nice i did really enjoy that. i worked on a bit of homework but not for very long. i also went to court to get the garnishment stuff figured out and i got the answer that i was expecting, that they cant really do much as both parties such as myself and my ex are both equally 100% responsible for the money owed to the old apartment place. unfortunately, they got ahold of where i work and theyre garnishing only my wages and since they have my wages , they have no reason to go after my ex. which is just so sucky. i texted him and was like hey, will you please pay half. i want to believe youre an honest person and bla bla bla but i dont have high hopes. hes had no problem lying and not paying for things. so i may just get stuck with all of it. and im trying to be okay and accept that. and my aunt is in the hospital. its really sad. i really feel like im just taking blows left and right but im trying really hard to not let it bring me down. i just want to be a sweet happy positive person. i always liked those girls in book and movies that everyone views as really sweet and kind and isnt cruel and malicious. but i feel like thats just not how the world works. im in my head too much. i need to start with the first step of this. and i think a good first step would be to accept that im sad or angry when i am sad or angry but to also see the positive side. even if its small. and maybe swear alittle less. i feel like i swear so much. but im also afraid of losing my identity. but in the subtle art of not giving a fuck. one of the really interesting things is that book is when it talks about “never finding your identity” because if you never find it, you continue to evolve and grow. and i think thats something i should try to look at. im interested in trying a new personality. like still be me, but change in a good way. make positive changes and be a nicer person. i was thinking about the ex bff and i got really down about it. it stings that should could say so many rotten things about me . it makes me wonder if we were actually ever really friends, i mean like we were. but i wonder if subconsciously she like wanted to “fix” me and then once i was better and moving on with things in my life and my life started changing and getting really busy, she started being kind of crappy towards me. i do miss how things were between us. i really do. but that will never happen again. i do have a hateful problem and a grudge problem. i need to bring myself to a more calm state. okay bye