26.05.2023

This is not the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.

I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I lost my mom.  I curled up in her bed while she gasped for every breath.   That was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.

People that had no business being there came in the room and watched me hold my mom.  Watched my world fall apart.

He didn’t watch though.  He didn’t stay with me.  It was too hard for him.  After my world shattered I made the hour long drive home.  I waited for her to wake up so I could do the second hardest thing of my life.

I survived the hardest thing of my life.  There are few things that could top it, but this is definitely not it.  There’s a difference between your body being shattered and your soul.

I don’t recognize myself these last two weeks though.  My words, my actions, they don’t belong to me.

I know if she was here, she’d know what to do.   But this might be the only thing I wouldn’t tell her.

She was powerful, but full of grace.  She was all about keeping the peace.  I wish I had inherited more of that.  My anger will be the end of me.  Even this morning I couldn’t hold my tongue and had to mouth off to him.

It’s seeping into my other relationships, other people are feeling the brunt of my anger and my pain….even my shame.

Maybe I just need to find more grace….be stronger.  Be better.

No matter where this ends, it’s not the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.