The start of a new journey
It’s been so long since I’ve written here. I’ve restored an old diary but am still trying to restore a few others that were connected to the same email address. So this entry is just more like a dangling one, not sure if it’ll be left here or just temporarily sitting until I finish getting my blog site put together.
In 2015 I met someone. Someone who I thought I’d be staying with. I was so young and naive in mind. Although he never raised a hand to me, in ways I feel it would have been less painful if he had done so, the psychological, emotional, and mental abuse sliced me soul deep. Looking back now I can see how strong I was, and how beautifully I danced the journey. I am still breathing on this side, I made it. I gained many life lessons in that journey, power packed in to seven years, a bonus daughter, and a child.
There is much more I will talk about later in this area, but the journey I’m starting on now is healing from the inside. I have worked on the healing in many areas, working through triggers and panic attacks, but realized more recently that what I was not ready for before but am now, is the coping methods I turned to just to keep breathing I now was ready to face off with. For me, the majority of the faceoff would be with food.
When I met my ex I had already lost a lot of weight and felt amazing. I was 173lbs. As the abuse intensified, so did my weight gain, it flooded back quickly. Then a pregnancy on top of it. I left everything behind at 262lbs. Today I hover around 253lbs.
It doesn’t always make sense. I am physically active all day, working on an equestrian and farm facility property, among other things. But I can also look and see what holds my weight, the inflammatory foods I choose to eat. Items I know are harmful for me. They are also items that are peace bringing, a momentary crutch even if physical pain follows. Simple carbs and sugar, usually in the form of soda. They are my go to, when I’m tired and need a pick-me-up or just to momentarily feel better. The pain after the fact is debilitating though. I hopple. Injuries I already have hurt more. My hands and feet hurt (arthritis), everything hurts.
I have given these items up in the past and the inflammation goes down, and I can walk without pain, but it’s then so easy to reach for those chips and I’m on the cycle again.
I am now ready to take a bigger step though. I feel myself dying inside, crawling as I reach for my next step and breath, and I can’t keep going through life like this. I have too much waiting for me, and too much to offer.
I am ready to face off with my additions, and what keeps pulling me back to them. I have worked through so much healing from childhood trauma and my last abusive relationship, I’m now ready to take the step to work through coping mechanisms acquired over the years, especially around food.
In the past my favorite “diet” program is the HCG program. My body feels at peace. I am not taking this step for weight loss, but to heal and leave foods/addictions behind me, and this program is something I am use to and feel good about. The drops are suppose to arrive tonight.
As I face off with addictions, I was ready to give up coffee. I had to wait until I really was ready, trying before only got so far before I reached for my coffee. It was something dependable before, hot and starting my morning with a smile. But, it was an addiction for me and so it’s something added to the list. My wish is to be sipping on tea in the morning instead, and even better if I can make my own tea…. which will happen eventually. But, for now, I am stepping back slowly. I am now down to one cup in the morning, where before it was 3-4. The desire to step away from it is still there.
Join me in my journey. What I am facing with, most have the same experience as well. What are you “addicted” to, that was your dependable to lean on in times of struggle – your comfort and familiar?
Addictions are hard to give up, we are such creatures of habits. It makes it even harder when it’s seen as normal and is everywhere, especially when the addiction is around food.