Anxiousness

It’s almost time!!  Almost time, almost time *completely excited jig*.  Waiting for Jennifer to show up and we’re off.  I don’t think I could be more excited, while nervous at the same time! LOL

We have a horse on the drill team who is having a bit of attachment issues.  I had a feeling what the problem was, but took a trip out today to see him to get a first hand in person feeling.  He is an amazing horse, gorgeous, full of potential….. EXTREMELY withdrawn.  And with that, overly sensitive, doesn’t want to be touched, caught, even looked at.  I spent 1 1/2hrs with him today, talking.  We ended with him contently standing next to me, quiet, peaceful, and thankful.  I will be going and having lunch with him tomorrow – just he and I.  It’s mostly just the time he needs to trust he can connect to someone.  That someone really does care about him.  Since I always have the kids, it is a rarity that I am able to ever go work the horses anymore, so I’m thankful for this time.  The horse I’ve boasted about on here, Zoe?  My pride and joy, the one I started myself and have trained from the beginning?  My absolute princess?  She has to be assigned to someone else because I can never be out there.  Oh the joys of single motherhood.  One day the team will own it’s own property and I can work with the kids beside me.  In the mean time, the barn rules must be followed.  No children unsupervised (standing next to their side) – and I can’t be in two places at once.

I sure miss working with them.  It was so wonderful today, to stand there quietly and experience the pleasure of getting through to a horse who had turned away from everyone else.  That is what I do best, and I’m excellent at it.

Last night while talking to *J* online (the guy who’s tagging along with me to dance tomorrow night – – oh!  oh!  Tomorrow!  I can’t wait to move again, and this time, NO KIDS!  *twirling* Oh… back to what I was saying)…..

…..we were talking about all that was going on in our lives, he just got back from Japan, a girl he met and was drawn too, talked about a mutual friend and how great she’s doing, what’s happening in my life, and then commented that I had quite a bit going on between the kids, horses, and a few other things – what would I like more of in my life at this point?  A partner.  An answer quickly given, and without doubt much desired.  Someone to curl up with and wake up next to, to pamper, love, give my support, and receive it too.  Maybe I’m dreaming, maybe that will never happen, but it’s the one thing in my life I’m missing and I hope to find one day.  I learned a lot in my marriage, one being what a horrible wife I was – something I easily admit to – and what I can do differently if I’m lucky enough to ever find someone I match well with, who’s willing to take on three kids (not easily found), as well as my life.  Someone where we both compliment eachother and bring out and shine the best in the other.

Nothing can take the place of this, but I enrich my life with friends.  I grasp dreams and head their direction.  I learn all I can in life, taking lessons from each experience, each person I meet, each event that occurs each day.  Life is an incredible learning experience, if we’re open to it.  Everything happens for a reason, everything.  It’s up to us to find the positive in each event, and to learn from it.  To learn in the effort to grow spiritually- it’s not always easy, but to feel life is out to get out, out to distroy you, everyone else is at fault for your position…. is only going to drown you in missery.  I have a past friend who sits in just this position, and she continues to loose friends along her way, never really finding happiness.  Life continues to place her in amazing positions, and she destroys them with her negativity and hatred.

True happiness sits in our own hands, hearts and mind, if we allow ourselves to feel it.  To grow from it.  We can reach amazing potential.