I’m Just So Tired

Bear with me, because I know I’m about to have some horrible grammar in this entry.  I’m just trying to get all my thoughts out as fast as possible.  I don’t have time for perfect grammar.  I’m seriously so tired of trying so hard to be loved.  I feel like I do SO much for people who don’t even care if I’m alive or dead.  And I try to not have that mentality.  I try to go about my day, and have more positive thoughts.  But today was just so fucking exhausting.  I feel like I want to do so much for people, I want to make their days better any small way I can, because I know what it’s like to feel unwanted and unloved every single day, and I don’t want anyone else to feel like that, so I try to do even small good things for everyone.  Today, I was trying to be positive and I kept going out of my way for people.  I was trying so hard at work.  I fixed several fuck-ups.  I caught shit that was about to hit the fan.  I gave away a ton of free cheese to people, while trying to chat with them, and make them happy.

Then my co-worker found out her husband had cancer, and she started crying.  And I never hug anyone because it makes me uncomfortable, but I hugged her and I let her cry and it made me cry.  It was just me and her by ourselves, so I called my supervisor and told her what was going on.  We had so much work to do, so my supervisor said she was on her way but it would be 2 hours.  So I was scrambling, trying to help my co-worker get all her stuff done, all while trying to finish my stuff, and people kept calling for me to help them do other things, and people kept stopping by for cheese.  I just wanted her to be able to leave.  she was refusing to just leave me with all the work.  Heather finally got there and Tammie got to leave.  But I had to do some shit I haven’t done in a while, and she was trying to help, but she’s not familiar with the stuff we do, so I was helping her, while trying to remember my stuff.  Which is fine.  I’m so grateful she took her time to come in.

And this whole day I kept trying not to think about the fact that Troy doesn’t even message me anymore after he fucked me (If you can even call it that) and the fact that Otha hasn’t messaged me, even though he stuck his tongue in my mouth the other night.  And I kept thinking, this is silly shit.  Tammie just found out her husband has cancer.  And I’m trying not to think about these dudes, who must not give a fuck about me at all.  And I keep thinking, I care so much for people, why can’t one person care for me?

I stayed 30 minutes past my shift to clean up my mess so 3rd shift didn’t have to.  My feet hurt, I was so exhausted.  I was walking to my car in the parking lot, trying not to cry.  But as soon as I got in my car, I started sobbing.  I’m exhausted doing so much.  I love and want to help people, but I don’t understand why I can’t get the smallest bit of reciprocation.  I let people borrow money, I give them gifts without any reason, I do work for other people, I offer advice or just an ear to listen, but I do NOT get the same.  I just don’t understand.  I’m so fucking tired.  So tired.  All I want to do is cry.  I feel like I can’t stop crying.  I don’t know why I can’t be loved.  I don’t know what makes me so unlovable.