Favor

I am back already; so soon. I just ate another McGriddle value meal and then drove across the street to get a cinnamon dolce latte. I tell you, food makes me so happy. I ate the McGriddle basically closing my eyes with each bite. I didn’t want the meal to end because it was so good. I never used to go to McDonald’s for breakfast until recently. Now, I think I ordered about seven McGriddle meals in the past two weeks.

I have a busy day. I have to pick up a rental car for my music video. I’m doing a sexy back seat scene where I pretend I’m having an intimate moment with a lover. The videographer will probably think I’m hitting on him, but I don’t care! I want the video to be so sexy. I probably should hold back on eating any more food until after my shoot.

The video will show me leaving the Galleria mall then paying valet for my car. Then it will show me singing part of my song in the car and then show my hands feeling the wind through the sunroof. Then the videographer and I will park on the top floor of a parking garage. Then he will film a shot of me climbing through the sunroof to sit on top of the car. Then a side profile of sitting next to me on top of the car. He will tape me laughing as if we are on a date.

After wards, he will shoot us in the back seat. I plan to do some sexy dancing and pretend I’m about to kiss him (but it will be to the camera instead). The music video will end with the camera showing us holding hands then an ending smile from me.

It’s a low budget music video but it’s a very cute concept. I hope that I can find an editor or have the same editor that worked on projects with me before to make the video look really cool. I think I may use the editor from my space cadet music video, but he’s a bit money hungry(I can tell).

I’m cherishing these moments like today. Yes, I’m paying for the car rental, the Uber to get the car rental, the valet to park the car and giving payment to the videographer….but I’m doing what I love! Soon I will have to return to reality, unless a miracle happens and I get a callback or booking.

I was a nanny off and on for many years. Often during those times, I cannot do anything else while I’m working. When I get home, I’m completely exhausted and have to prep for waking up early the next day to start work all over again.

My skin breaks out terribly every time, and I become depressed. The mothers love me in the beginning but then, they get so jealous when the children begin to love me. They begin to eat salads every day to become skinny when they see the foods that I eat. They put more and more responsibilities on my list of duties, and begin to treat me like their slave.

I have had other jobs before but I’m limited because I don’t have a college degree. I was an aqua aerobics instructor, a yoga instructor, an art&crafts teacher, an after school care counselor, a health&wellness instructor, and a security guard. Those jobs only pay $10 to $15 an hour. My highest paying job was when I worked for Amazon for $18 an hour. I hated that job the most. I would be connected to my headphones all day and watched the entire day pass from my living room, day after day.

I wonder what job I will have to do next? I would prefer a newborn nanny. I just want my career though. I rather be on set for a film. I rather prepare to go on tour. I much rather that than anything else.

I get so angry! Why couldn’t I be born rich? Why didn’t I have parents that put me in the business earlier instead of me having
to do everything on my own after the age of 18? Why why why? But no, “We have to take what we are given and give what we can.”

I have to stay in a mindset of gratefulness. Thank you God for my health! Thank you for my family’s health! Thank you that I get to shoot a music video today! Thank you for the day ahead of me. Thank you in advance for my next job. Thank you for whatever you have in store for me…

I feel like a fraud though. I want so much more. I have to stay content and happy with what I have. How can I be content when others have what I want? I am not jealous of them; I just want a piece of the pie.

I want to experience what it feels like to be on a major film set. I want to experience going on tour. I want to have my own house with its own big yard. I want to go on a vacation to an island or walk the steps of Jesus in Jerusalem. I want to do all of these things before I’m elderly. I especially want to take care of my parents more than anything. Am I wrong for desiring more out of my life currently?

“Jesus forgive me for being so impatient but I’m 38 and almost 39 in a couple months. Please create a new path for me that is filled with endless joy and where my dreams become reality. Please help me feel your presence and let me know that you hear my prayers. Please grant me focus for today. Let me not think of tomorrow. Instead, grant me favor for today. Thank you in advance for supplying all of my needs and above my needs. Amen”