No Rest for the Wicked…

Insomnia all night long, and I’ve finally abandoned all expectation of sleep.  Tried playing The Sims 3 on my xbox an hour before I’d planned to go to bed, and it relaxed me as usual, but didn’t absorb me or have me laughing the way it usually does.  Even had the old curmudgeon walking around in nothing but speedos, corpulent belly hanging out, flirting with his own adult daughter, screaming at the walls and laughing to himself for no apparent reason– I love giving sims the "Kleptomaniac" personality trait and sending them over to their neighbors’ houses, incidentally– but I guess it didn’t distract me from my troubled thoughts enough, so when I climbed into bed, I was still wide awake.  Considered reading with my booklight, but enjoying the book I’m reading usually makes it very difficult for me to go to sleep, because I just want to keep reading.  Decided on the relaxing pursuit of tending to my animals and crops and wooing women in my little Harvest Moon DS game.  Lost interest after about half an hour and lay in bed closing my eyes and thinking about how nice it would be to just be asleep and not thinking so much.  Tried to focus on slowing my breathing and emptying my mind, but after some time, my eyelids flung themselves open and I sighed and realized I wasn’t sleepy in the slightest bit.  I was rather jittery and needed more distraction, I thought.  Flipped back open my pearl pink DS and switched the game to Style Savvy.  Putting together outfits, I thought, would focus my attention and efficiently distract me.  I’ve been dying to put together an outfit for myself, anything, really, for the past few days, but have been too sick to go anywhere.  The last cold I had in summer ended up lasting all of two days.  This one’s been affecting me for two weeks and a day, and has been one of the worst ever in my memory.  
 
Throat spasms and what felt like a sandpaper hand tightening around the inside of my throat made me cough so painfully and uncontrollably I had to leave my favorite restaurants during my vacation and get my orders to go.  Every time I began to drift off for some much-needed sleep, my throat would also start spasming, for some reason, and jolt me awake hacking my lungs out and desperate for a breath.  I didn’t sleep more than two hours per night during the trip.  Two hours was the maximum time before I woke up like that again.  Just couldn’t manage to do much during the days, was too weak and couldn’t manage to stop coughing.  Had no voice whatsoever, could barely whisper.  The trip wasn’t all bad, though.  Had an amazing view of the ocean from my balcony, and one warm afternoon I sat out watching the dolphins swim by in pairs in the distance.   Finally, after a couple of days back home, my throat seems to be, for the most part, under control, and I can whisper louder than before, and without pain.  
 
But back to the subject at hand, after Style Savvy failed to draw my thoughts away, or at least temporarily bury them, I tried Anagrams on my DS.  Morning arrived.  Late morning.  A certain person inquiring about my health and getting a more positive answer led to him feasting between my legs and me riding his face after.  I kid you not, that especially did not make me sleepy.  Terribly hungry at that point, he brought me pancakes and scrambled eggs and we ate together and now he’s asleep on the couch.  And I’m still restless.  The sexual stuff brightened my mood a bit, but I’m still feeling what I’ve felt for a few days, what having colds and isolating myself for the most part during them always produces so intensely in me– loneliness, for someone to talk to.  Even though I can’t really talk.  And an inability to mask for myself how ridiculously vulnerable I really am, not just physically, but emotionally.  I think the mask comes off when I run out of impetus to keep creating things to look forward to, which is how I thrive.  How I chase away my demons.