OD Experiment Summary, Time Off

I’m spending too much time on OpenDiary.  Tired of the routine.  Since November I’ve averaged 4.5 entries a week, 1000 or so words apiece.

I started this habit because at my therapist’s suggestion.  He thought that it would benefit me to write every day for a while — he knows I partially identify myself as a writer, but hadn’t been writing much.  And I’d been (am) depressed — he thought the two things might be linked:  lack of writing, and depression.  Plus he felt that I needed to allocate time to myself to consistently reflect on my life — that maybe I’d find something that would be of importance.

So here I am, three plus months in to the OD experiment.  I’ve gone over the following, more than a few times:

• All sorts of feelings about my parents and childhood
• The frustration I feel with my programming job — the boredom and sense that I’m trapped.  Note that I’ve also been able to articulate why I am doing what I’m doing instead of looking for something else, which has allowed me to more graciously accept my choice to stay and do it for the time being
• The idea that I should be doing something more with my life.  (which I think most of us feel from time to time and I am also coming to terms with the idea that I will always feel like I could be doing more and I have to work to fight it and have some kind of balance, allow myself downtime.)
• The problems in my marriage associated with my wife’s aging and failing parents who have dementia, Alzheimer’s, all sorts of health issues.
• Frustration caring for my own physical issues.  (bad knee, bad back, constant physical therapy required — overall I have accepted that I need to spend half an hour a day every single day doing various exercises in order to have a well-functioning middle aged body.)
• The psychic pain of having a lot to do every day — the same boring things — caretaking my wife, caretaking me, caretaking my job.  (I noticed from other members’ OD entries that this is a common theme — caretaking burns people out over time.)
• Challenges doing In Vitro Fertilization with my wife J — her mood swings, expectations, fantasy building — male specific problems associated with doing egg release “cycles” which last a month apiece
• My own ideas about possibly being a father for the first time, particularly in a world that often feels like it is falling apart (climate change is my biggest worry for a kiddo)
• My deadbeat brother, his current status, the impact on my mother, his terrible life choices, how lousy and helpless I feel every time I think about him.

I have also, through documenting these problems, realized how grateful I am to have a loving and good wife to go through life together with — she helps to keep the darkness at bay.  Another breakthrough is the realization that cooking — particularly treats — is mentally healthy for me, allows me to break certain bad stream-of-consciousness rumination habits I have and instead get in the flow of doing something, creating — And putting on music helps immensely with the “bad head” (rumination) condition as well.

At any rate, I just feel like I’m at a point where there isn’t much left to explore.  Life will go on.  The struggles will continue.  I think I’m in a better place to accept this, while being grateful for the periodic bursts of happiness and satisfaction that accompany the suffering.  The OD experiment has, overall, been a success.

But I want to put my writing energy somewhere else for a couple of weeks, and I can currently only write for 30-60 minutes a day. I have a therapy appointment on Thursday and will communicate this plan to my therapist, see what he says.  Unless he has really strong views on me continuing this, I’m going to call it quits.  For now, at least.

Thanks to everyone who read and offered comments or advice.  All the best with your own struggles.