A Valentine

Dear Me,

Today your son said he loved his family and then he said he loved himself. And that was important. I don’t know if you love yourself but in case you do not, here are some things we know deep down about ourselves.

I know you wish your family raised you in a more loving manner so you could give more love to others. Growing up, you never knew why you were the way you were was primarily due to the love you didn’t receive and this made it difficult to be kind. It’s not a word I would use to describe you. And that’s ok. We aren’t super kind. Particularly in our anxiety riddled body lately. I forgive you and you have time to learn to be more kind.

I know you used to like teaching. Now kids say that you should kill yourself. That seems gross. Parents aren’t parenting. You don’t have to forgive the student for saying that. You don’t have to love your job. You don’t have to teach there next year and you still make a difference to so many students. You need to do something else for awhile though. You will next year.

You still deserve someone who knows your favorite flowers or buys you nice things and maybe one day your husband will still do that and no use having kids as an excuse to be how he is now. He tried or maybe he didn’t. It’s hard to say. He had to go to work and he left at 7:35pm while your daughter screamed in your face. She also just does that these days. There’s more to this but I know you’re tired so we just won’t…

You can let go of how you want things to be perfect. Today didn’t go as you planned. You wanted your son to have cute little Valentine’s Day bags at preschool and you still made paper heart cards for him to give out that he colored and was proud of. It’s not a competition, although I know you think it is. Without help, you ordered your kids presents and got them set up. All while dealing with school. Your daughter has been sick and your husband also didn’t watch her as she drew on the expensive stuffed animals you bought for both of your kids as you hurriedly tried to get ready this morning. It’s ok. All of it. You can still feel upset though.

You still have two really solid friends who you talked to today. I know you wish you were more social. And had friend time. But that’s just not in the cards. Your husband also would never move back to be closer to those two friends. One best friend sent you a book at just the right time. And the other sent you a picture of her new dog in the snow. These people have been in your life for a long time. Love them forever. They’re your family.

Your Idaho mom and sister sent you an old video of you guys at the gym yesterday. I know you desperately want to be around them for the love you didn’t ever get from your blood family. You were able to make those two women love and accept you effortlessly. We are still sorry you left and I know you want to be there right now.

I wish you had the support mentally that you needed and that’s why you have to write this to yourself because no one is coming to save you. No one is going to know how to except you. It’s no one’s responsibility but yours to get you through the worst years of your life really. You probably learned that as a kid who played alone in a closet for many years of your life…but who knows.

I pity you and also validate your feelings. You’re pretty fucked up and didn’t really turn out good or bad. You never did anything crazy like drugs but you also didn’t really accomplish much. But maybe that’s not fair. You had lots going for you. Maybe you shouldn’t have had kids. It’s really hard to say.

…as it is a day of love…we will work on loving you. You have no time to criticize your body. You are just so tired. There is no time to care. I guess that’s a win. You weren’t nice to your body for so long.

I can tell you that you deserved more. So much more. On so many fronts. And although you must continue to mourn that family you were born into…and the fact they’ll never be what you need…maybe you can create a family of your own that doesn’t have to write this. Maybe you could make sure your daughter never has to write an entry as an almost 37 year old like this. Please make sure she doesn’t. Hug her all the time and love her. And hug your son and love him and never stop telling them that you will always love them forever, no matter what. Always find some patience and apologize when you should. Let them know when you’re wrong and when they’re older let them know why you are the way you are. Keep an open dialogue with your children so they always feel safe talking them you about their feelings. You stay home with them when they’re sick like you have to tomorrow. Your mom never did that for you. Your dad did, but he also can’t remember anything anymore and it’s like talking to some guy who doesn’t really know he’s your dad.

You might be unfulfilled and unhappy and going through the motions of a pretty mediocre life…but keep trying to make your kid’ lives good. My hope for you is you’ll have a fantastic future, like the tarot reading your student did for you today. See, still some great kids out there that could use your love.

Sincerely,

You