Numb

Sitting here in bed and realizing i’m unhappy. But there’s nothing specifically making me unhappy. is this all to life. i feel insincere- i don’t like my surroundings, the people in my life, or the person i am. Nothing can change. i’m so used to this pattern i don’t even think i want it to change. i just wish i was born in another life. I don’t think about stuff like this because it doesn’t help – just get upset. i feel so selfish but i’m so uncomfortable in my skin. There are worse things happening to people. i am selfish. Nothing is wrong with the life i have. I am the orchestrator of the path i’m taking. I haven’t done anything to recive goodness back. I just wish i had no emotions completely so i could go in a straight direction in life. or sometimes i think i want to feel happy. I currently feel so empty like something is drawing any genuine feeling i have away from me everyday. I don’t feel real anymore. I don’t like anything about myself. I never have. It’s more than just wishing i was someone else or a better version- i don’t have any redeeming qualities, looks or traits. I hate everything about myself. I’m trying day by day to accept myself but sometimes it’s hard to be delusional and i have to be honest. Maybe it’s the devil working but then he’s always been there then. I know i urge to be happy but i know i don’t deserve it. I know in a bit i will go back to my natural state of numbness- i can already feel it creeping up on me with the easy distractions of my phone. Today was a little crack in my numbing. That window is gone. I’m back to being just empty and numb.