Grey

Went to bed last night with what felt like a weight pressing down on my chest. I was hoping it would be gone by the morning, but it had only gotten heavier with the sunlight; the sense of dread accompanied by "love me, don’t go" playing on repeat.

Grey.

For long time readers – I broke up with J, my 4 year gf about a month ago.

And then almost immediately started seeing someone else. Why? Ha. I could have so many caveats and reasons and excuses. But it doesn’t matter. Each glance is accusing, each word of comfort mocking, every pat on the back wounding. Do they know? Do they judge? I return each look of scathing pity and all I see is myself staring back at me. You can fool them Leo, but you can never fool yourself. Not like anything makes the guilt go away.

Indeed – "But who will save us from ourselves?"

You are such a hypocrite. You are such a disappointment.
Please go away. Let me be.

I suppose at the end of the day the best we can hope for is someone who can love us when we can’t love ourselves anymore.

But what do you do when you’ve let the only person who could love you, go?