Gnashing of teeth

No, we’re not talking about the Diablo game either. We’re talking about the fight to keep things sane. I learned a lot from a friend. How to be an ass, how to express my rage. How to make damn sure that people know when they’ve done something to offend me or vex me. What frustrates me most about her is he rants about the importance of ‘self awareness’ and how she has such self awareness. She’s full of shit. If she does have self awareness. She has sacrificed it to the alter of self denigration and degredation. She continues to self destruct her life. Even though she never really lets go (she blames the meds for that). So she continues to work. But outside of that her personal life is such a mess that it makes mine look positively serene.

Such self destruction bottled up into one person. But she taught me the importance of self awareness, even as I scorn her now for her own short comings. Not fair you say? I disagree. She heaped scorn upon me for anything that I did that didn’t live up to her idealistic standard. and oh, I tried to live up to them, until I realized that she was a fake. Her banter and talk was nothing more than an effort to seduce another person into her world. (and not physically. she was more of the emotional seduction)

What makes me so angry. is that she has such potential to be an amazing person. She has good qualities, and some amazing intellect. In fact she’s the first person I’ve met in a VERY long time that I ever felt was… not simply my intellectual equal, but quite possibly even more intelligent than I. She Is a good person. and despite my rage, I give her opportunities to prove that my conclusions about her were wrong. But each time, she steps into her old pattern. and each time she makes that mistake. I lash out.

I spent the last 10+ years of my life trying to never hurt anyone. And I ended up hurting people accidently. No more. Now there will be intent and purpose behind the pain I inflict. the scalding burn of truth. (of course, I’m mostly full of shit, i still pull my punches way too much, still try to soften what I say). even as my roommate hasn’t worked in 22 days, has no money to make her half of the rent. and I still haven’t lashed out.

90 percent chance i’ll be in the middle of moving on my birthday.

And hell no I’m not covering her part of the rent. she can go prostitute herself if she can’t get the money otherwise. I struggled through an absolute hellish workplace. (to give you an idea how crappy it was, I was looking for jobs because I wasn’t happy there. I wasn’t in a hurry. but my boss got wind of it, and after demanding that I give him assurances that I wasn’t going to just jump ship, he fired me 2 weeks later as soon as he had found someone to train in my place) (and he did it in such a way to maximize the economic damage to me). The only reason I haven’t sued, is because honestly, I just don’t want to have anything to do with him or that place ever again.

as an aside, if you didn’t think you’d be able to make rent. do you think you’d go out and spend 30 bucks on the deluxe version of chronicles of Narnia (which is what she did)?

I’ve set myself up to get used and screwed too many times in my life. believing in an ideal, and fairy tale endings. I let myself get taken advanage of, and how can I even think I’m better than my friend who deludes herself with her faux self awareness? can I really blame her? I don’t know. I’m aware of what Im doing. and aware why I’m doing it. and drawing a parallel to myself and her. because I think her and I both are looking for an idealistic vision.

Talked to Heather for a long time last weekend. we discussed a lot about how our early lives affected or current lives. did we sabotage our relationship those many years ago? Her and I both have  a string of failed relationships. and ultimately almost all of them stem back to our fear of commitment or fear of emotional closeness. We both really prefer to be alone it seems. which you would think would have made us perfect for each other. but it doesn’t quite work that way. we’re both needy, but on our own terms. which leads to one person wanting closeness when the other wants alone time, and vice versa.

I’ve used the term "I love you" but which ones were truely love? truely in love… and simply someone I cared for? and in the end does it matter?

and do you love the person, or the image you construct in your head? what if you found someone who seemed absolutely perfect. and you find out that many years ago in a fit of whatever, he joined a gang which did killings and beatings of other gang members. would your image change? he’s still the mild mannered and sweet guy who has lain next to you all those nights. who was sweet and gentle. what if you found out that he was still a part of the gang and some of his late nights working out involved killing. I’m not sure there is a right answer. because it’s the same person, you just have more information to further fill out your image of that person. change the equation slightly, would it make it better if he were serving in the Army, and would come home from a tour in Iraq and talk about the ‘rag heads’ and how he’d shoot them and some of the stuff him and his buddies did? And I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with the army or the people who serve. I’m trying to make a hypothetical point. if Iraq bugs you change it to Vietnam. If that’s not good enough use North Korea. Heck, call it Narnia. I’m trying point out the concept of an image of a person. and that our love for someone is based on the image we construct. (when that image turnes out to be false because of deception on their part, it’s very difficult to repair the trust. I’ve been on both ends of that.

wow, I’m all over the map tonight. Enough ranting, i think I’m calmer. but wow, i almost feel sorry for anyone who reads this as their first entry they ever see.at least the zombie day candy is now half off. You can call it the ressurection, I still say that it’s zombie. (speaking of which, I wonder how many people draw parallels between The Death and ressurection of Jesus and Zombies. I’m not saying Zombies are Jesus. but that there’s an intentional twisting and preversion of the ressurection theme going on. (particularly in Romero’s Series). Though I think In Romero’s case, he’s more parodying the End of the world where everyone is ressurected.

And House of 1000 corpses is still the worst movie ever.