oh boy…

Note: this entry is not a ‘cry for help’ I am simply trying to examine and express my feelings, thoughts, and motives. 

Oh incidently, did you know the phrase ‘oh boy’ Is illegal to say in a town in Georgia? I am not joking.

My cuts look like glorified papercuts… and I’m fairly irritated by them. they just don’t look cool enough or bad enough. I want them to be worse. I’m irritated that I cut in the first place, but now I’ve cut 3 nights in a row, and I’m seriously pondering throwing away the sissors. I stare at the cuts (there’s about 70 of them), and think to myself, ‘wimp, you can do more than that.’ I’m punishing myself I think, punishing and pushing myself to do something. The problem is, I’m not sure what that part of me is trying to accomplish.

Right now, I think I have a threshold of stress that, when reached, makes it very easy to cut. Oddly, it’s work that is stressing me out and inducing me to cut. I’m feeling henpecked and frustrated. no one should have a boss who thinks EVERY thing is the end of the world if it’s not *just* right, and is willing to start text messaging or emailing at 10pm or midnight because something he saw isn’t perfect. The lack of seperation between work and the rest of my life is starting to eat me alive I think. I don’t think I realized how much it was affecting me until I realized that each time I’ve cut, it was just after getting henpecked again. I’m sure there are other triggers, but at the moment that’s the one that’s chewing at me the most.

I’m eating a heck of a lot less now. I’m not sure if it’s a cycle, or if it’s another indicator of spiraling decay. I’m just not really that hungry. So, I make myself eat, not even really tasting the food. Because I’m eating less, I’m trying to add more veggies and fruits into my diet so if I am eating less, at least I’m eating better. With as much as I work out, I shouldn’t eat less than 2000 calories a day, and I’ve dipped below that the last 4 days. so, I want to keep an eye on that.

I was shaking last night… shaking badly. If I didn’t know any better I’d think I’d just experienced a pretty severe trauma. Not sure of the implications of that, but I’m still a bit shakey even now.

Though I have cut my workouts to 30 minutes a day the last few days while I try to retrench my position and prepare to regain the ground I’ve lost.

Let me say this again. I am detailing this in an effort to express what’s going on inside me. this is not a cry for help, if I reach a crisis, I will ask for help. That’s a pledge to my friends. while I know you will worry, do not worry too much, and just go bowling and relax.

Keeping my chin up and fighting the good fight 🙂