Not a good day

Yep, today has been an anxious day, and usually that’s a serious warning sign for me. Anxiety is a precursor to full-blown depression. What makes me worry more right now is how much I’ve been thinking about dying. At this point it’s all I think about. which is a drastic change for me. Even when I’m depressed I’m usually pretty good about only having occasional thoughts of dying. However for the last few days, and today in particular, I can’t shake that sense of impending doom that’s hanging over me. I’m going to try to go clubbing tonight if just to burn out as much energy I have. It should improve my chances of *not* doing anything stupid.

Even as I rationally know it’s stupid to think of dying, or want to die, I know that impulse suicide can be started by any trigger, and with as much energy as I have currently, I know I’m too active and too impulsive. So anything I can do to reduce that energy would help. I’m in control, I know I’m in control, but writing this is a strong a warning as I can give myself and my friends.

Let me restate, I’m not actively suicidal. I want to cut, I want to bleed, and I want to be dead, but that does not equate to suicidal. I do not have a death wish, and I do not intend to do anything to hasten my death. But it doesn’t change what I feel inside myself. I’ll give more updates later tonight or tomorrow.