Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner

Yep, I’m stealing the title from the name of a book by Alan Stilltoe. Great title, Very appropo if you have ever experiences the thrill and solitude of running out in on the road for hours at a time, nothing but you, your sneakers and the pavement… and your mind. And my mind is driven. Dispair is clawing at me. I feel every evening drag on and on, wondering where things will end, knowing full well what the ending will be.

There are days in which in which it seems too difficult to go on, too hard to keep trying. And yet, and yet, I’m too unwilling to give up and stop. even though it feels as though I’m simply marking time. each day another one closer to the end.

I think to myself that if I can just shake things up, if I can just make a different choice this time around, things will be different, things will be better. And fear keeps me still. rooted to the ground. fear that if I try to shake things up, I will lose what support I do have that keeps me alive.

And then I laugh. a sound of glass grinding together inside me, warm with my blood. but it is a laugh

because, is this living? is marking time a life? no, not now, not anymore. not like this.

But death isn’t an option. I made my promises. just as people made promises to me. and i will keep my promises. somehow, some way. But people who make the promises to me, do not make them empty. I am tired of empty promises; of the pointless platitudes given to me.

Promise only what you can… and will deliver.

Think about it.