Holding back

I’ve been holding back from telling Mark the degrees to which I love him. I used to say "I love you as high as the sky and as deep as the sea" " I love you more than my luggage" "every breath I take is love for you" and so on. And he adored it. It made him happy to hear those things.  But now it doesn’t. Whenever I say something like that it makes him think "If you love me so much, why did that bad thing happen?" I wish that I had an answer for that. But I don’t, so I wont say things that make him think about it. I think that as time goes by he will feel better and then I can say those things again.

Sometimes I think that it might have been good that this happened. If it had not, we would have never focused on the things that were wrong. Now I’m so much more aware of everything. Because I am intent on not fucking up in even the smallest way. If I can be perfect, look beautiful, and fuck wonderfully his healing will happen faster. He will stay.

I wish we could have gone to Kings Dominion.  I want to start making happy memories with him again, instead of sit around the house memories.

He lost his wallet. He won’t admit it, but it’s my fault. I bought him a new wallet and it was super thin. So it randomly left his "stretched from the old wallet" back pocket. Such a rude new wallet. . .

I’ve been writing to an inmate. Brightening his day or something. . . I hope. 

Mark said yes to a disney wedding, but we can’t talk about it right now. Because who would want to marry a girl who just hurt you? So, yes to a wedding. Yes to life-long love. But lets not talk about it right now. It’s painful.

I need a hundred dollars. My rosetta world free trial has run out.

kiss the frog!