04/10/2011

 
HELP . . .not help
 

 
what?
 

 
be here and talk to me on this sad occasion call me stupid please.  say "meG you done fucked up"
 

 
What did you do?

 
 
I cheated on Mark

 
 
Fuck, Meg! What the hell? Of all the people to cheat on, you cheat on Mark?
 

 
I’m impressively self destructive. I confessed I told him

 
 
What did he say?

 
 
Well I was equally stupid there. Told him it was just a quick kiss in and out

 
 
FUCK! was it just a quick kiss?

 
 
essentially-when you take away all other details and only talk about the blocking

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What did you do?

 
 
the other details came up from my fucking mightier than thou roommate who had walked in on us

 
 
what other details?

 
 
That ondra (the guy) was in his underwear- and he was ontop of me on the couch and That there were little things that really set the stage for the kiss and that the kiss was longer than in and out but it really was closed mouthed- and only maybe 2 or 3 seconds It wasn’t passionate tongue dancing and bunny fucking like my roommate made it seem

 
 
it was still more than you tried to make it out to be. You still haven’t said what Mark thinks of all this

 
 
Well after I told Mark every single last detail of the kiss that did not go farther than a kiss he said "I think you know what I’m going to say."

 
 
And that would be…

 
 
Well that’s what he said- but he never said the actual words "I don’t want to be with you" But in that moment- My heart broke he universe halted. things seemed impossible. If it was possible not to be with Mark- then nothing else could be. and I cried. and I started to shake and I felt so. much. pain. He took off his claddaugh and was playing with it. but nevertheless I know why he took it off. and my spine felt like mush. I got so dizzy. he said "Why should we stay together? If I’m with you forever I will never know a relationship in which I was not cheated on"

 
 
I see his point
 

 
i did too. I had nothing to stand on. There was no possible thing I could say that would rectify it or make me look any better or cause him to want to stay

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So what did you do?
 

 
Cried more and for the first time in my entire life begged. and he asked me how he could ever trust me. I said I didnt know. he asked me "what if we stay together and it doesnt work?" I said "I’ll accept it- I’ll give up and take the blow and leave you alone" and he said ok "It’s worth a try"
 

 
How do you know it won’t just happen again?
 

 
I’ve given up drinking I should have done it a month ago when I was in the hospital for it. I keep saying that I’m never going to do it again and then a week later I’m there holding a shot glass

 
 
So what’s different about saying it this time?

 
 
It almost ruined the best thing in my life I don’t give a fuck if I die. I’d like to die young . . . But I can’t lose Mark.

kiss the frog!