the hopeline

I called the suicide  prevention Hotline last night. . .

1-800-suicide

I wasnt standing on the edge of a bridge or looking down a bottle of pills or anything. I was driving home from work, and I had so many opportunities to make something terrible happen. I kept thinking of different ways I could do it and I start to get concerned with how easy it could be. I ran myself off the road and nothing bad happened, however the fact that I could do it without much hesitation prompted me to call the hopeline.

I don’t know why- I have no idea why I’m feeling this way. Everything is good for me. I have a great fiance and a wonderful love life. Work is fun and pays well. (I’m still teaching on base) My family is sweet and caring and such. I have no issues or big problems. I’m for the most part the best I’ve ever been. I am happy. I know that.

And yet here I am seriously considering ending it all. It’s really baffling. because thinking about it- I have no reason to want to leave this world and every reason to live. I am truly blessed, and I can’t find a single reason that I should want to die- and yet the urge is there. This powerful force just pulling me toward picking death. I’m not sure that it is easier- nor do i think i would be happier if the whole "suicides go to hell" thing pans out.

I’m not really sure- but the urge to die, or at the very least suffer a great deal of physical pain is sometimes overwhelmingly strong.

so I called the hotline. it was as helpful as anything could be. but really only you can stop yourself. at the end of the day they dont know you- and they can only hope to coax you into a different state of mind for the time being.

I’m in a weird place i think. I would like to know whats up.

kiss the frog!