Lost it

Tuesday some shit happened. I started at a new job and almost immediately made a friend. Everything was smooth and great. Then he offered to go to lunch together since we both got off at 2. Then some shit happend. I kept saying no- and he kept trying harder.He didnt get too far, he bit my chest through my shirt and got my pants un buttoned but I pushed him off me and sent him home. I’m pissed at myself because I was nice about it. "we can still be friends, but i just dont want to go that far"  So anyway- it sucked to a grand degree.

I got in a fight with winslow about the whole thing- It was my own fault, I was trying to be strong and not talk about it- Not worry about it. Dismiss it since its not the worst thing thats ever happened to me. . . what with that shit with the cop and the penetration and the knife. (refer to previous entry in 2006). . .   But of course I fucked it up, because although i didnt want to talk about it I still wanted to be comforted.

This pretty much confused and frustrated winslow because he didnt really know what was going on. At which point I blew up at him and told him everything. How it brought back horrible memories and really bothered me and even though i acted like it was no big deal and all tough it was really messin with my head.  And he was pretty much calm and told me to come over in the morning and he would hold me close and make me more comfortable.

And he did. And I felt better. But one problem still remains. . . I’m actually not game for anything. I dont want to fuck, I dont want to suck. I tried to masturbate and didnt get past turning on the vibrator, I suddenly felt disgusted and couldnt do it. Even when one of my friends told me he was leaving for texas and not coming back, I wanted to fuck him one last time, but i couldnt. I tugged and kept my shirt on. Wouldnt let him touch the buttons on my pants. I hardly let him kiss my neck at all. It sucked.

I don’t want to be touched below the neck- no farrther than hugs or kisses.

Porn is my old reliable. But I felt sick to my stomach the moment I started watching it.  I just don’t want it. Like I said. No fuck, No suck,

I really don’t like to be touched even. . .(which again in reference to a previous entry is waaay out of character) 

I’m sure it will pass. . . but at the moment its disconcerting.

Maybe I just need to feel safe again.

kiss the frog!