04/14/2009

I’m having trouble understanding things. I’m feeling a bit like an old teddy bear. Good to have around but not the ultimate plaything. Often tossed to the back of the closet. Although loved, hardly played with.

my hands are cramping up…..arthritus? inability to spell? who knows.

I miss lopez more than anything. My hopes were too high. I have little hope for paul or anyone else that I’m really interested in. As I’ve said many times before, I’d be fine not even searching if I had some security about winslow. I’ll admit as time drags on and on and on I get more and more afraid of losing him. I give him all the freedoms he wants (with a minimum of bitchy-ness from my end) and let him have his way 75% of the time simply because I’m afraid that someone else would make him happier. That’s actually a big fear, what if one day he is fucking a girl and hanging out with her and realizes that she is much more chill than me, so much more fun than me and just drops me all together, or i get knocked down to number 2?

that’s happened to me too many times, I’m begining to think that it’s me and not them. I don’t know how to be anymore relaxed than i am.

aside from losing him to a girl- there are always the fears of him catching an STD, getting physically or emotionally injured, getting CAUGHT and a plethora of other concerns . . . one tends to get protective.

I’m afraid that I am turning into that old teddy bear, that maybe its time for him to graduate to more exciting toys. I know i should let go. . . let him go play those playstations. . . those wiis. . .

I guess I’ll always be here in the toy box

kiss the frog!