London and surgery details. And a complaint . . .

I had not guessed that anyone would ask. (not used to that hahaha) but since two of my new friends seem concerned I’ll elaborate

On sunday I am flying to london for a 6 day theatre tour. (I’m a crazy theatre girl I’m sorry I can’t help it i just love ol’ bill too much) Shakespeare is "mah thang"!

it is definately the high point of my senior year of high school. (well next to filling the principal’s office with baloons that was pretty sweet too)

The week after I get back from london, on april 11 I am going into surgery. It’s minor, it won’t kill me its all good.  

two years (possibly a hundred entries) ago during the summer of ’06 I was raped by a police officer. I never told anyone for several reasons. the main ones, scared, because he was friends with some of my friends they wouldnt believe/forgive me, denial and uncertainty. Anyway he was rough. needless to say he caused some damage. Well I’ve been sexually active since then so obviously nothing is "broken" but it’s definately not pretty. In fact I’m so ashamed of the way I look, I refuse to let any of my sexual partners look at me full frontal. I’ve never let any of my girlefriends "return the favor" and my male partners have never given me oral. (not that it’s that big of a deal, my concern is mainly with how I feel about my own appearence)

Now when I say raped mind you i don’t mean that I flirted with him and giggled but said no the whole time. I mean that i fought him and screamed, and bit down hard. when he forced me to give head i bit so hard he screamed and punched me in the head. i scratched and squirmed. I never said ok, and i never said please. however what irritates me most is what he said when he had finished "It was good, it was real good, little too much teeth though"

Having told an abbrieviated version of that story to my doctor, he decided that it was in my best interest to "renew" me. A.K.A In order to give me piece of mind and a little more self confidence they are going to perform a small outpatient procedure to make me "good as new" It’s so simple an operation that they don’t even have to put me to sleep, they just numb the area.

I’m excited but terrified.

I know I’m going to cry. I know i’m going to wish someone was there holding my hand. But in intimate cases such as these, obvioulsy no one will be in the room. even if i could have someone there, I could never ask anyone to do that. "Hi your a pretty good friend do you think you could hold my hand with me while they take a knife to my vagina?" nope. . .

I’ll bring my teddy bear.

And my mp3 player.

writing this whole thing was therapudic. i know i spelled it wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

Here comes my complaint:

 

 

 

I honestly wish people would stop leaving comments that are mean and judgemental. It’s a diary . . . opendiary is supposed to be a supportive community. . .you shouldnt care about a person’s spelling. And you should never say mean things like "you’re a whore" "this is disgusting" "you sicken me" or even "what’s the matter with you?"

those people suck. the simple truth is:

I’m 17, I have sex, not with many diffrent people, and not alot, but I do. I’m not ashamed of it, in fact I’m proud. I FUCK, BONE, AND SCREW! and I’m proud. you know why?

Because I’m also a talented artist. I play the piano beautifully, I’m well educated and I speak well. Because I am a strong independent girl who is wise beyond her years. Because when I die, I can say that I have lived.

How many judgemental people can say that? How many uptight conservatives can say "I am proud of who and what I have done in my life"

Who else can say at 17 "Yes, I’ve been raped, yes my family is "broken and dysfunctional", yes I suffer a lot of physical pain, Yes i suffer a lot of emotional pain, but at this point in time, I AM HAPPY!"

please remember that. You can tear me down, and talk all the shit you want, but I’ll just stand up and smile. you can push me and insult me and build yourself up with my hurt, but I will still offer you a hug when your sad and a drink when you’re thirsty.

Who else can say that?

Those who don’t like me can me leave me alone, Because this bird has flown!

 

kiss the frog!