Live & Let Die
Well I finally made it back. I woke several minutes ago with things on my mind… still. So after I thanked GOD for another day, I thought it was time to update this. So I guess lets get to it.
Recently, I fell deeply in love with a woman. No its not Miss Germany. In fact, Miss Germany in the present doesn’t exist. And no she is not dead, but we don’t talk. She might have to get her own to explain that unstable situation, but right now I will speak on this. I fell deeply in love with this woman. It’s crazy to speak on, because even though she is afraid to make that step… so am I. I kinda push the issue recently of wanting to be together, but in the deep depths of the back of my mind I feel desperate. Like I just gotta have somebody. And I honest believe that we as men can do and say some fucked up stuff. Straight up. I know I do. And I did recently. Hell, I always do. I am always doing something that will have detrimental effects later. But with her, amply named MIss Savannah as previously spoken before, I do feel the love. I appreciate the love, but small things keep me from wanting to be with her. She is wonderful overall, but she can verrrrryyy logical about things, which is understandable, but when it comes to the grand scheme of things its like it shouldnt be. Some things I say, I know its off the chain and I am like okay homeboy chill out, but when it comes to seeing each other its like I am more willing to make it happen because we are not in the same city. I dont have a lot of money and neither does she, but hell.. I wanna see and hold you so damn all this and let make it happen, dig what I am saying? So… a lot of times it frustrates me that she is not jumpy-jumpy about wanting to make it happen, because she is worried about not having enough money but times I have it so I can easily handle things and my thing is if we are down for each other, then you will just let things happen but apparently we dont agree with that cause she wants her money tight to step out. I guess its understandable, but its like maaan, this is crazy. I cant take it. This is silly. I really do like her. Of course I think sometimes I cant even get someone in my same city. There have been others I have dated and liked, but it has not worked out and at the end of the day, probably wont happen. Miss Savannah is truly special though. She accepts me as I am and I dig that, because I am one fucked up individual, who is still trying to get it together mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
So once again, I have been really pushing us to be together, because its like its time.. its time for both of us to step out on it plus its like we are already in a relationship, so lets really do it. She has been hesitant about it, but at the same time I think she wanted to do it. It frustrated me, because one day she would wanna do it, then the next day its like wait a while. I am like you are not Janet Jackson in 88, lets do it. Shit would piss me off. It would make me not interested in her anymore, because I feel like I am being jerked around and I am a man… dont play with me. I am here and I am ready. I wanna see you already and its just crazy to deal with I tell ya… but at the end of the day, I really dig this chick. Dig it, so I found out from some intelligent writings on her. The other day I was once again frustrated at the fact that we were not together. So that night I put up some new albums of me and my people and then I did a separate album about me and a chick.. I used to like. Now you ask, Why? Shit. I dont know. Sorry. I guess it was done in the mindframe of if you shame of what you do, then dont do it. That chick had the pictures and never posted them from waaaay back even though we had a huge falling out. And the issue of that will also take another entry, but we did. So I just put them up, but of course I have taken them down because Miss Savannah saw them and I think that pissed her off. Idk, but the intelligence papers I read of hers showed me that she was. Shame. Shame on me. I dont know, I just at times feel like a man needs to feel validated outside of himself. ME. By a woman. In some way, I at times feel like its a damn shame I feel like this as a man and its like why me? I give some good love to women, but why I do go through what I go through with women? I just don’t understand. It seems as if I give all this stuff to you and I dont get the same from you, then why are you wasting your time? I understand Miss Savannah wanted me to wait, but hell how long does a man have to wait? I have done this, I have done that.. I have proven myself to be worthy and yet…. nada. But I do truly love Miss Savannah.. and another thing is, eventually I wanna move her here with me. That would be one incredible task to complete. Very incredible. When I say I think she would be afraid to do such and probably wouldn’t do it.. one day, she asked her mama if she would be okay with her moving with me, she suprisingly said she wouldnt say anything… I say that was validation that this thang between us is official. But then again, maybe I fucked up yet again after that dummy album… I can hear saying uh huh at me trying to explain myself right about now in explaining myself… well, i am human. i hurt. i bleed. i cant change the world. i am still trying to figure out how to make the right decisions, which i am still failing.
damn.