to the tune of Jersey Girl

derby girls pick new battle names
different from all the other dames
one will call herself “I Love Loosely”
and another’s “Punch and Juicy”

bought a ticket to a derby match
girls on roller skates go smashy-smash
see I’m big enough to take some hits
maybe one will consider me a catch
yell [various violent grunting sounds]

at the rink everything’s alright
they’re throwing elbows on a saturday night
don’t you know I have to shift my stance
when I see them in their booty pants
yell [various violent grunting sounds]

she gives it everything that she has
when she straps on the helmet and pads
though she has bruises on her everything
those curves still make my heart sing

look how she took out that referee
don’t you know that’s the girl for me
you’re the luckiest in the whole world
when you’re in love with a derby girl
yell [various violent grunting sounds]

they choose funny names
write them on their tights
[various violent grunting sounds]