new years eve barrage

1.) If someone soiled their underpants because their ass was grass, the phrase would actually make sense again.

2.) Many a festive holiday party ends with someone who had too many fruity drinks daiquirating a toilet.

3.) So “Firework” and “Wrecking Ball” are the same song and everything’s okay with it? Pop music is the worst.

4.) SLOTH LOVE BOAT! …Sloth Love Boat?

5.) I feel like this cold would be conquered if someone would bring me, like, fifteen sausage egg mcmuffins.

6.) The Critic cleaned his vocal chords with Achem’s Razor.

7.) Hunter S Thompson cleaned his hotel rooms with Pinealsol. Good stuff.

8.) Years ago, Shark Week jumped itself. Sad really.

9.) Grammar got run over by The Twitter.

10.) The proctologist knew he had to retire when one day at work he really jumped the shart.

11.) You have to really consider your review of Hedwig And The Angry Inch, you can’t just go off half-cocked.