Saying Goodbye Amy

I’m sorry, but I’m here to speak my voice!! And if I feel the repercussions of that will be dangerous to my well-being then there’s no room for you in my life.

I’ve told you; I have standards when it comes to my friends. It’s not to belittle you or make you feel unworthy but it is to protect my life and the things I have built for myself. Not everyone, despite how they might act wants the best for you. My life has been far from easy or simple and I know yours hasn’t been simple or easy, which is probably why we were able to relate.

I hold those same standards myself. I am loyal to those who enter my life. I understand, you say you love me but a disagreement made you so angry that you took it to my work, my livelihood.

You tried to get me fired, I have a home that I could lose. Then you say sorry that wasn’t me, that was the old me trickling back in. Was it? I have welcomed you to my space and you’ve stolen from me, by accident you say, and I have let go, once, twice.

Now I’m just drained and exhausted and the emotional toll is affecting other areas of my life, interfering with other projects I’ve got going on, projects that will help me rise in life.

You say I’ve been mean, because I set strict boundaries and friends don’t do that. But actions have consequences, naturally. I set boundaries because I’ve been hurt in the past. You aren’t welcome in my home anymore. Not only because you have taken from me but because you have taken from my friends. I want my home to feel like a safe space for anyone who enters it. You don’t seem to fully understand that. I did try, for a long time.

I have been stern with my words but by far, your actions have been meaner than mine. Threatening in fact. I introduced you to friends I love and respect. You stole from them too. How could I have let that happen? In my own house, to my own friends.

To be fair, I’m not all that great. I’m not perfect either, and I can understand why you say I’m mean but I hope you understand that I don’t truly believe you love me. I don’t because I’ve come to know you all too well. You have conditions, I have given you comfort and stability and once you felt me even pull back for a second, you got fearful, you raged, you started to sabotage me. That’s not love. I’m allowed to get busy.

The attachment you have made to me is too much for me to handle. You cannot depend on my kindness, availability and welcoming nature to soothe your worries. I am not your anchor.

After careful consideration, I can see clearly. You hated my friends and desperately tried to involve me with yours. Well now, they aren’t fond of you either.

You said something that threw me off. You said, “After you made new friends, you changed.” I can see there’s confusion in your way of thinking. I have not made new friends. The friends you speak of I’ve known for years. I share so many memories with them, so many experiences that they have become my family. You, on the other hand, I only met a year ago and are my new friend. I don’t understand how you created that narrative.

You didn’t want to be in my world, you wanted to take me to yours, away from my friend. But your world feels dark and my friends bring light to my life and I wish to bring nothing but light to theirs.

I felt sorry for you because of your past and what you went through, but I shouldn’t have let you in based on that. I wouldn’t want anyone to pity me so why am I pitting you.

You have been like the toxic boyfriend that I don’t have. I know you are trying to heal. But once I shared my fears regarding our friendship, you made me fearful that I made a misstep and that I will be punished for it. People that truly care for me ask me why I’m still holding on to you. Now I ask myself, “why am I still trying for you?”, “Why am I still trying to help you with your parole? Why am I still helping you write letters for your lawyers?

I guess when I see someone needing me to reach out my hand, I just do it. I know it’s a behavior developed from my own childhood. But this isn’t the world for that. Some hands will try to pull you down to the depths of the ocean. As for me, I prefer the sunlight and it’s taken me a while to get here.

Here’s the truth, since you feel the need to gaslight me and tell me you love me, you only love me when it suits you. And when the glove that is me doesn’t fit you well, you threaten my existence. The raw truth is that ‘you do not love me’. That I’m okay with because it is honest and true.

I just have to let you go.

My boundaries Amy, is nothing short of goodness for myself and the people around me. You say true friendship is beyond boundaries. I have to disagree with that. Now you are angry and I am nervous about what you will do next. Will you try to hurt me? I shouldn’t even have to wonder.

I’m sorry but my decision is clear. I don’t have the same connection to my family that you have to yours; You are lucky there, they truly want to help you. But I have made my family. I chose my friends. I chose them because they love me and I love them and it’s genuine and true.

And as much as I want to say I love you, I just don’t. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean I hate you. I hope you can see it from my perspective one day but that’s a small glimmer of hope.

Getting into my accident, you texted me, “I love u and so happy that happened.” That accident was just days ago but it has allowed me to reflect on many things. You wanted me to get knocked down a bit because you think highly of me and I have somewhat rejected you. You said the message was a typo but I don’t think that’s true.

I wish you success, I hope you figure out what the true meaning of friendship is to you because I know what that is to me. I wish you luck on your journey but unfortunately, I’m choosing to walk a different path.

A letter you’ll never get to see, because I’m afraid of what you might do,

Zee