Optimistic Or Stupid?

My husband isn’t supposed to contact me at all. Legally. But he reached out on Facebook. Even though I never responded or even showed that I’d read some of it, I still feel sick to my stomach.

Is it wrong that I don’t care that he’s “trying”? I’ve given up all hope. I still love him, yes. But it’s the same love I feel for the first woman is ever fallen in love with. There’s hatred mixed in and it’s something I know I can never get back. He hurt me beyond anything anyone has ever done to me. And I just don’t have it in me anymore.

My daughter, 3, has so little discipline. I’m the only one that’s really enforced it and I was always either sleeping, cooking, cleaning or, mostly working. All he ever did was yell at her when she didn’t go to sleep when he wanted her to. He wouldn’t shut off his stupid videogame and let her sleep.

Anyways, today has been rough. Even though he’s not in our lives anymore, (He’s back in the States and I’m in Canada with my daughter), I’m still suffering. And she is too, big time. I’m doing everything I can to be a good mom. But sometimes her attitude is just too much for me and I lose my shit on her. I don’t beat her or anything but I’ll get angry and yell at her. She laughs at me and I get even more upset. She pees everywhere, just so I put her in the bath. (She was doing so well with potty training before!) I’ve got like 8 loads of laundry to do and I’ve barely gotten half of it done. Nothing’s folded cause she was a real pain in the ass today. I fold, she fucks it up. I get mad, she laughs. I get more upset, she kicks me and laughs. (her dad taught her that it’s funny to kick mommy). I don’t feel right hitting her. I put her on time out, she’ll start singing and playing with whatever she can find. I’ve splashed her with water, she doesn’t like it but she’ll laugh anyway.

She’s been a real little pain in the butt today. Don’t get me wrong, I love her to death and I’ll do anything in my power to do right with her, but sometimes it’s just too much.

She misses her dad a lot. I know she’s in a lot of pain because of it. I blame only him. I fought for my relationship, for my daughter, for my family, but the fighting had to end.

Now I’m tired and he’s fighting alone.

It feels like I’m falling into a depression again. I want to give up. I want to end everything. But I’m too optimistic…or maybe the word I’m looking for is stupid.

Maybe I’ve been stupid this whole time.