Insomnia ramblings

Yes, I have said a lot of this in the past, but it’s almost 2am and my brain won’t stop, so I am working it out here.

This unemployment on top of depression has caused me to become an insomniac. Even more than normal. Yes there’s been a couple days that I have slept through a day instead of doing something productive. Recently though, I’ve had something going on with my gut, IBS, infection, or something is wrong with my innards. All I know is I just can’t get comfortable and when I absolutely tired, I sleep. Of course I can’t see any one until Feb 27, so there you go. Yes I am eating healthy. Yes I am drinking plenty of water. Yes I’ve stopped taking medicines that may aggravate it.

I am tired of being judged and treated like a shit father by the people whose actions put my in this spot. You know, maybe if they didn’t nuke my life for their own needs or guilt, things would be better. Maybe I could be a better father if they didn’t take almost every thing I built and saved for over 20+ years and leave me with the bills. You throw someone in a hole and yell at them because they are in it.

Why is the world so unfair? I built my life. The life I deserve,  the life I wanted. Then in a blink, a man who just fucked his up for 30+ years, gets my everything.  Sure, Patty had a lot to do with it, but you would think lying adulterous person would be the one punished in the “eyes of God”, but no. She has a fresh start, a church wedding, and friends all rallying around here, while I have struggled for 4 years to get through a day without losing it. Yes, the man who spent his first 20 years going to church almost religiously. The man who did the right thing marrying the girl he got pregnant in high school. The man who insisted on having all 5 of his children baptized. That guy has been broken, left, ignored, forgotten, and unappreciated by almost everyone he held dear a mere 4 years ago. Where’s my Ying for yang, my tit for tat? Nope, it’s just lose, lose, and lose some more.

Ok. I have more “work to do” but I’ve done a lot over the last 3 years and all I have to show for it is an apartment I may lose in a couple months. Laid off from a job where I busted my ass and literally saved it from going out of business. A truck that is possibly going to just blow up at anytime. No close friends to check in on me. No women interested in getting to know me. Hell, not even a person at the grocery store willing to have a conversation. My kids look at me as just a friend that they are happy to see occasionally, but not someone they are willing to change plans for.

IDK

Maybe I am the miserable fuck who knowingly sabotaged his only life, relationships, and employment.aybe everyone else has it right and I really am the problem.