The urge

So right now I’m sitting in my truck outside my son’s “karate” studio. I don’t normally take him or pick him up, so this is still a little new. They don’t allow the parents to crowd around inside, so if your first thought was why I am not in there, that’s why.

Anyway since my brain is wired wrong, all I want to do is be back with Patty. Back with my family, living that life. Knowing that at the end of this sitting in a cold truck in the dark will end with family togetherness instead of the harsh reality of dropping him off and back to my hole.

I want to text her and talk, but there’s no point. Just knowing how it all ended haunts me into knowing she was completely done with me, not even enough left to respect me.

I realize that is my problem and it always has been. Acknowledgement, needing to know I’m ok with others. Sure I can pick apart all 20 years with her and find this and that, that could have lead her to do this to me. Whether or not it’s right or wrong, she did it to me. The one person, besides my parents, who I believed whole heartedly wouldn’t hurt me.

How do you come back? What did I do so horrible that she disregarded me so much? She literally forced a new man in the kids life and let the world know it and somehow is the “hero” of this story. I guess I would be different if I fell right back into a new relationship with a fresh financial start. I just never figured her for that kind of person who would push me off a cliff for a chance at something better.

I have this all in my head too. The loss and anger. I know I have to “get better”, but I’m holding myself back. Seriously, it’s like seeing the air while under water and needing to breathe, but I just keep my head underwater and I have absolutely no clue why.