I Thought About it Again!

Wouldn’t it be easier if I just wasn’t here anymore? All this confusion and pain and loneliness would stop. I mean I would be dead.

I would leave a note of how I would want my legalities tied up. Make sure the people I loved were okay. Make sure that the government didn’t receive a cent of my estate. And since I have not been fortunate enough to have kids, I wouldn’t have to worry about leaving anyone feeling a deep loss from my death. I mean yeah my father and sisters and their children and biological mother would be sad but they would get over it since it isn’t like I speak and see them every day.

I suppose my husband and his sister would be sad because they wouldn’t have a home or someone to feed them and they would have to worry about the expenses of the flat until they leave or are kicked out. But I suppose my husband would be happy since he wouldn’t have to hide his liquor bottles and have someone complain about him vaping in our bedroom.

But I am not brave enough to actually end it. I think about it but I could never kill myself.

It is funny how I often feel this way when I start taking my antidepressants again. Aren’t these pills meant to help me stabilise my thoughts and emotions?

Everyone thinks I am taking my antidepressants like I should but little do they know that I don’t. I know it is wrong to be playing with such stuff but I hate being controlled and I hate the idea of having to have to take medicine to keep my emotions and mind stable.

I hate my life!