Left Unanswered….

I knew it right away last night when I got home from work. He had been drinking. I asked him and he was quick to shut me down and quickly turn the tables on me and how I just love to bring him down when he is doing well.

I ordered us supper, which I went on to bring up as my stomach didn’t take to it well…don’t know if it that I was eating the wrong food or ate too fast but I ended up going to be hungry as I was too scared to put anything in my mouth afterwards….
Anyway so he comes back after driving his car to get a new vape, as he lost his vape, which I saw next to him 10 minutes before he rants about me having hid it and then not being able to find it (it is where he put it in the drawer in his bed side table). So when he came back his sister and had finished eating but he felt the need to dish us some food and complain when we said we had eaten and were confused when he brought us food. He then continues to belittle me and blame me for having to park his car down the road and not right outside our flat, he blames me for not uplifting him or being there for him, goes on about there for him.

Today he explains to me that I need to let him have his ‘episodes’ because he has a lot of stresses (work, earn more money for me, his sister that is still living with us and hasn’t found place to live, insurance for the cars his wrecked are now asking him to pay excess, which he cannot afford and he is already in overdraft….)

While I was reading this I was thinking that whenever shit happens I must let him drink and speak badly to me, I must be okay with that because of all the stresses he is having to go through.

my reply to him was that he should let me have my episodes and find someone to love me, give me attention, provide without issues, let me live a happy life. His reply was to ask me if I want to find someone else. I never replied.

argh!!! First month of the year isn’t over yet and the stresses of my marriage are already piling up.

Last year I was all about hoping to get thin and having an attractive guy smile my way just to make me feel good and possibly make my husband jealous and want to work on himself too. A shirt a bought him in December is not too small for him. He claims to be loosing weight and doing well but he isn’t putting any effort into looking good and being good. I want a partner I can parade on social media or in public. I want a partner who is showing me his love for me; flowers, treating me, showing me off, taking me places.

There is a huge part of me that wants out but I am scared and don’t know how to get that out and what happens. I see my life and future dreams with him but every day the reality of that ever happening just seems to diminish.

Right now when I confronted him last night about drinking I can’t believe he lied to me. We were just walking yesterday about being honest with each other and telling each other things that effected the other or or lives together. And just a few hours later he lied to me and tries to make me feel stupid and ugly and as if I am the problem.