Saturday 1/21/23

6:48 a.m. I had a recurring dream about my parents. I was arguing with my mother who claimed I was missing doctor’s appointments. I needed this one doctor’s signature so I could collect benefits and get on a med they wanted me to take. I had already taken care of this and I didn’t need the med but I couldn’t make her understand .

It was a very heated argument and we were calling each other names. The strangest part was she had me dressed as a girl. Then, I don’t know if this was part of the same or different dream, but I was cleaning up the park in Follansbee wearing nothing but women’s underwear.

Other than weird dreams I had a good night. Aides put me to bed by 10:30. I slept most of the night. I got great care and wasn’t laying in urine. They got me up at five this morning. I was  still very sleepy and slept in my wheelchair until they served drinks. .

I feel fairly good this morning. Mood is rather upbeat. I feel very rested. Best part is I am not experiencing too much arthritis pain. Then I just had a good breakfast. I’m ready to face my day

11:08a.m. I finished my book Restless Giant: The United States from Watergate to Bush v Gore by James T. Patterson. I enjoyed reading this one. I would give this one a five star rating.

Next up is another history book From Colony to Super Power: U.S. Foreign Relations Since 1776 by George C Herring. This is the last book in the Oxford History of the United States series. Without a doubt these books are the best books ever written about U.S history. 

I sort of fallen asleep after reading my book.i woke up in time to ge today’s menu. They are serving chicken and dumplings, sliced carrots, a dinner roll and a chocolate chip cookie for lunch. I’m getting a cucumber salad, cheeseburger, French fries and sliced peaches for dinner. 

So I’m having a good morning here at the nursing home. Only problem is I can’t get changed. I rang the call light about an HR ago. Male aide answered. He said, ” I’ll be right back.’ I never sawh him again. But this is only par for the course. 

4:19p.m. I didn’t do too much reading this afternoon because I slept a lot. Sometimes it takes me awhile to jump right into a new book. I keep thinking about the old one I just finished. I call this “book lag” I get so caught up in the old one it is just hard to let go. I think this is what’s happening now.

Lunch was good only I got two pieces of chicken breast. I ate it anyway. I was just as happy to get the chicken breast because I’m not too crazy about their chicken and dumplings. The food must of made me sleepy because I went right to sleep after lunch.

I wonder why I sleep better in my wheelchair than in bed. I don’t have weird disturbing dreams while in my chair. This afternoon I woke up actually feeling good and refreshed. Used to hate staying in my wheelchair all the time but now I don’t mind. Sometimes, I think I could stay in it 24/7.

All in all this was a pretty good day. The only mistake I made was reading her diary just now. It kind of hurts me that she still talks to her Steubenville friend. But she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I still can’t understand this sudden turn around in feelings. I no doubt should stop reading het damned diary. It doesn’t do any good but open up old wounds that I do not need.

But I just cannot let go. Well, I wouldn’t have bothered but she called me this morning. This made me start thinking about her and thinking about het. So I kept watching to see if she would write an entry. She did and I read it just a little bit ago. I was just fine before she called.

They will be serving dinner drinks soon. I can’t wait because I can’t get enough coffee. Coffee, books and food keep me going.

5:46p.m. They are late with supper. I called the Nurse’s station and rang the call light. She said they haven’t delivered my hall yet. I said my roommate got his delivered. She said I should soon be getting mine. It is almost six and I should have had my dinner by now. IAide said they are late. I just saw them delivering drinks. I will not go hungry.

6:27p.m. I got my dinner and it was good. This time eating didn’t put me in a very good mood. I keep thinking about what my former gf said in her diary this afternoon. She said she called her Steubenville friend. They talked for almost two frigging hours. Well, I hope she is happy with her new friend!. At least she has a friend to talk with! Here I am stuck in this blasted nursing home. I haven’t talked to a single soul all damned day! This hurts big time!

Hell with her! The way I see it now she finially chose someone else over me. That is fine and I wish them both happiness. But I’m not going to sit around in my wheelchair crying all damned day. I’m going to stop reading her diary and get on with my life. Sitting around crying won’t bring her back. Nothing I do or say will bring her back! So I might as well move on. Fuck it!

This breakup is not the end of the world and it will not kill me. I spent most of my life alone and survived. I can survive being alone in my old age. Besides I have my books to sustain me. They have never let me down or hurt me. My books are my true friends and will keep me going through this difficult time. 

Well I just went to the Nurse’s station. I wanted to get out of my room and go to the dinning room. They had the door closed. I sat up there by the desk for while and ended up with a pbj sandwich. I had my nightly snack. Food somewhat soothed the savage beast.

I’m going to try and forget about this for awhile. I’m going to try and start on my new book From Colony to Super Power by George C Herring. I have wasted enough energy over this shit. I hope to end the day on a good note. 

8:36p.m. I have been reading my new book From Colony to Super Power. I have calmed down and feel much better.  I always feel better after a good meal and being able to get lost in a good book. This is yet another great book in the Oxford History of the United States series. The day is ending on a good note thanks to my books. I’m not alone.

 I want to stay up and read. I’d like to finish the first chapter. It discusses diplomacy during the American Revolution. I thought it very interesting on how the two countries overcame differences and mutual suspicions to defeat England. 

I’m going back to my one true love, reading. I hope to read / listen to my book for one more hour. Goodnight 

10:09p.m. I’m still in my wheelchair. I don’t care because I’m kind of wired up. I started thinking about my former girlfriend. Reading that damned entry really hurt Also, I’m acting lessons Ike a crazy, jealous schoolboy. I thought I had matured enough to get over the hurt. I thought I was tough enough not to let anything bother me. Boy. Was I ever wrong. 

I’m hurting. There is no doubt about it, I’m hurting. She was, is still, the love of my life. Even now I would take her back in a heartbeat. I just cannot shut off the feelings I stiff have for her. God help me I can’t shut them off That’s is why I’m hurting so much.