Tuesday 1/17/2023

6:50a.m. The nasty aide got me out of bed at 4:48. In her defense she gave me a good sponge bath and changed my briefs. So I really can’t complain about the care I’m getting this morning. I just wish she was a little more friendly.

I had a very weird and troubling dream last night. I was dressed as a girl. I was going to attend a support group where husband’s and wives reversed gender roles. Also. I was about to become a criminal. I was in the process of hiring a hit man This part of the dream iwas involved and complicated.

In the end I backed out of the deal. I wad in the police station turning states evidence. I was still in drag but nobody was laughing at me. I was explaining everything to the cops. They were not going to arrest me because they were after a this hit man for a long time Cop I was talking to promised if I cooperate I would get a new identity and go into the witness protection program. But as part of my new life I would have to give up crossdressing. I was more than happy to do this.

I don’t know if it was the same or different dream. I was praying to God to be forgiven of my sins. I was very sorry for everything I did, the attempt to hire a hit man, the crossdressing and everything else? I was trying to make a deal with God because I wD afraid of dying and going to hell  This was when the aide came in to wake me up.

I am in my wheelchair and above the dirt. I felt very sick from this danged cold. I thought I was over the worse part but all the symptoms were back with a vengeance.In short I felt like hell.I managed to fall asleep in my wheelchair and slept for about an hour. Morning coffee helped somewhat but I was one sick old fart. 

I just ate a breakfast of scrambled eggs. two slices of toast and a bowl of oatmeal cereal. I feel a bit better. Going to try and look at the paper.

 11:30a.m. Lynn from PT came to take me to the gym. I went with her but didn’t last. I started a bad coughing spell. I could not stop coughing. She quickly took me back to my room. I’m ok now. At least the coughing died down. 

I slept most of the morning away. I guess sleep is supposed to help fight a cold. I still feel tired and every bone in my body aches. I hope  I can stay awake for lunch. It looks good, according to the menu.

1:39p.m. I had two slices of toast pork, mashed potatoes with gravy, peas,a dinner roll and orange sherbet for desert. The sherbert went down good with my sore throat. I’m not as tired like I had been but I’m still fighting this danged cold. I m beginning to think this cold has evolved into the flue.

I’m going to try and read my book Restless Giant: The United States from Watergate to Bush v Gore by James T Patterson. I’m on Chapter 8 “Culture Wars and Decline in the 90s.” I have four more chapters to go in this book.

5:40p.m. I had a very good afternoon. I was able to stay up and read most of Chapter 8. This was about the decisive differences in values between conservative and liberals. If I remember correctly, the author concludes that the liberals won most of these so called “wars”. I hope I hope I can read the next chapter on Immigration, Multiculturalism and Race tonight.

I’m taking a break from reading. I am eating two grilled Swiss cheese sandwiches, tater tots and Mandarin oranges for desert. It was ok but not great.  I ate it all. I must be getting my appetite back. I ate all my meals today.

I’m also pleased to write  that I haven’t been as depressed. I’ve been able to concentrate on positive thoughts. I guess by putting on man pants helped me man up and get over the break up. I have no other choice but to move on. After all, Chocolatechip is moving on with her life.

But I still love her. Part of me always will love her. I still look at her diary. I noticed that she wrote today where the knocking has gone down. But she has been getting weird phone calls. This kind of disturbed me. So what do I do ? I called her but she didn’t answer. I care about her and worry about the constant harrasement in one form or other.

But I cannot dwell on this or  I will go backwards.

 7:33 p.m. I seem to be “read out.” I feel very lonesome right now I  wish I had somebody to talk with. But there is nobody. Writing on OD is the next best thing. At least I can let go of my feelings on OD.

One thing I miss doing is browsing for books on Amazon. It is the middle of the month and I usually pick out about a million books to buy. I haven’t been able to do this because of the breakup, depression and being sick.Somehow, in the midst of alltis book browsing lost its appeal.

I never thought I’d say this but I might not buy any books next month. I think I bought almost twenty in January. I am thinking I should read these books before going deeper in dept  I do have a huge credit card debt. I am thinking now I can pay off this dept in seven , eight months provided I can practice self discipline. This  is what’s been going on in my mind.

I just get so friggin lonesome I found out this afternoon this was my last day at PT. I will miss those girls Darla Lynn and Kayla. It was fun being around them and it was good getting out of my room. Now it is back to sitting on my lazy butt all day and not having anyone to talk with. Sometimes a man needs the company of women that no amount of reading can fill.

I did learn three things after almost three years in a nursing home. Nobody wants you when you are old, poor and disabled. What do I have to offer anyone? I cannot stand on my own two feet anymore. I can’t even make it to the friggin toilet. Arthritis and incontinence and loneliness are but three of the many gifts of old age. Old age has come at last. Old age can kiss my ass.

9:18 p.m. I finished reading chapter 8 in Restless Giant. I have four  more chapters . I’m managing a chapter a day. I should be finished by Saturday. After that I’m not sure what is next. I have a Stephen King short story called Ur. I think  I am the mood for something light for awhile.

Then I’m want to finish that one series of books I’ve been reading. The Oxford History of the United States. After Restless Giant I have one more book to go in this series I have been reading these books for some time now and I would like to finish them.This book is From Colony to Super Power: U S Foreign Relationship since 1776 by George Herring. This is going to be my next read.

10:25p.m. I’m still up. Aides were going to put me to bed earlier but I wanted  to finish my Chapter. I’m sort of a bit wired and tired right now. Part of me wants to go to bed but the other says read one more chapter Aides will soon come back and they will get me in bed so I might as well stop now. There is always tomorrow.