So

My dreams are messed up. The first one was right after i looked him up and found out ge was back in jail. County, now. He will go to state, eventually.

Oh and before i forget friggin google needs to stop bringing up old photos.  Now my kid keeps putting that idiot on  pedestal because he was smiling in a photo.

She also been talking a lot about her grammy. She has no idea… and i will never say a word to her but before her grammy passed away, that woman told me she didn’t want to get to know my daughter. Mostly because it would hurt her relationship w her son. Which is completely bullshit since her oldest sister had a very good and close relationship with her, growing up.

Anyway. I hate her too for always enabling her son.

But at least she and i got along when he was in prison and i tried to keep her in the loupe about him as often as i could and i wasn’t allowed to tell him his father was dying while he was behind bars.

She had died a few months after his release.

Anyway, my baby girl misses her so much.

I just tell her some fond stories and tell her that her grammy loved her very much.

Anyway back to my weird dreams.

The first one was a few weeks ago, shortly after i found out he was in.

I had gone to his sisters house, which used to be his parents place and his gf was sitting on the couch and i just offered her an apology and begged her to press charges against him.

The second was me sitting at the phones during visitation, waiting to see his reaction at my surprise visit. Bet noone will visit him in there. Not a single one of his kids will.

And knowledge of how long they’ve been family friends i know his sister won’t either.

Bet he has noone, now. I k ow he does not because i was the only dummy who was when he was in for 28 months.

His mom rarely took his calls. He wrote to me almost weekly and obsessively called me several times a day. He listened to me, got to really know me on a level nobody ever has before, not even my ex husband.

And when he got out…. he used me and abused me and promised to be a better man…. and boom. Abused me again.

All them white lies…. Thats just jail talk and i was a fool for believing in him.

I remember trying to make the best of covid, going on multiple trips to nj with him having a really good time together when he wasn’t having a bipolar moment, which to be honest was practically every time. I remember he was pissed at me for taking my son to the boardwalk while i left our daughter with him.

He asked.

She was so exhausted from swimming all day and my son wanted to play on the boardwalk. So i spent alone time w him while he slept in the hotel room all day and night and when i got back and the kids were both asleep he had a bipolar meltdown, took my truck, and threatened to leave me and the kids stranded at the hotel.

Yaaa….

Anyway.

The times he was really awesome, were so few.

We went to a dinner, and he spent over $250 bucks on it.

 

Anotger time, We went to the casinos and on the way back, he was throwing up. He had hives.

Yup, that was the meth.

All those long nights of non stop sex, yup. Meth.

I thought he was really into me, obsessed.

Nope. It was the side effects of the drugs he was on that i had no idea about until later on when my dumbass put two and two together.

If he could have put his anger and drug addiction aside, what a beautiful relationship we could have had.

Or was it all just a dream for me?

Either way, my daughter will be loved.