What will you do with your moments?

Dear Diary,

For as long as I can remember I have always connected to someone named Diary. Oxford defines “diary” as a book in which one keeps a daily record of events and experiences. I never really thought about it that way. That it’s a record-keeping of events and experiences. Which, at the same time, of course, it is.  I just have always thought of it as a place to lay my hat, and my head at times. As well as the only place that I can release all these thoughts and theories, ideas, moments of magic, definitions of dreams, or wishes, and at time some of my darkest words – where the words come out and my eyesight becomes so blurred out that I can no longer notice if my letters are “c’s” or “e’s” or “o’s”. Either way, I have always found that it is always home for me no matter what new color, print, or even one with a quote on the cover piece. Shit, it can even be displayed as a computer screen where I tap away at the keys to bundle up letters to make words, that somehow pour out of me and make up sense out to those who are able to have access to read it.

I was conversating with a Freudian once about the importance of how, as humans, we need to always release as much as we take in. We physically are even built that way. I thought, as a Freudian, he would be able to understand and connect with me on this one. He disagreed. I don’t get why, but as someone who does not take sides to theories (as theories are forever evolving, and your decision to change your mind on someone else’s is what keeps us learning in life), I let him go on and on as I muted away from his words and focused more on his character. How silly, I thought..and from his body language and tone I noticed he was going through something far more than any of our conversations can ever be put on the same level of existence. And as I thought today, I woke up later than usual and even thought I did not have any plans on my natural day off, it irked me that I wanted to change in my life, yet I was not taking on any action.

I have been in a state of being – for my Astro readers, we shall blame this on Saturn going through my 10th house of career and worldly persona – a state of being that has been up and ready with so much ambition, skill, willing to learn, willing to do, and open for a new journey to start my new long-term adventure. Yet, I have just been standing as still as time. Saturn ruled time that is. Time in KRONOS that is measured only by excellence and standards and perfectionism. As we all know, is not real, but also almost too real. And in all honestly, I feel like I can only work with a drive driven by others. For example, I am a skilled, educated, continuously educated, and perfectionist that is trying my best to be a “I am good enough without being perfect, because perfect is not real” type of hairstylist. Yet the fact that I have not been a stylist “behind the chair” since 2017 (with, by the way, have had multiple failed attempts that year) has really been demolishing my will to work behind the chair again. I go through all the scenarios and all the moments of how I may fail before I even SEARCH for a new salon to call my own. ..I meant to write my home, but maybe that is the issue. Maybe I am so busy trying to look for a salon to call my home, looking at photos of already existing salons, the owners, the stylists, and their clients..creating many theories as to how I shall conform and mould myself to just fit in. And maybe since I know I can’t conform myself to them anymore and am just “taking it” for some sort of acceptance and start to a new home, life, work, and family.

That I and Saturn have been taking this time together doing this dance and learning how to explore this part of me with more of a rigid and more of a critical mind-fuck (Aquarius, baby!) with a timing belt just so I can truly understand how what I really need is to be reminded that this is the reason we do not go backward anymore. We have learned to connect and reconnect, in order to move forward. But if you finally become free (due to the hard work and effort you have paved for yourself), and feel the freedom, you will automatically want to go back into what is comfort. And what is comfortable is relying on other people. Relying on teachers to lead you, and bosses to boss you, and not for you to lead yourself, boss yourself, and teach yourself. If you can do all these things for other people, why can’t you do this more so for yourself? Saturn in Aquarius will make you push harder through all your complaints, sobbing, and mental hangovers in a way that you wish you could but could neva for yourself. So then he shows you that yes you mother fuckin can. Why? Because you’ve wasted so much time doing it for other people, companies, and things that don’t matter to you. That it is time to do it for someone, something, and someplace you actually give a flying high fuck or two about.

But only through writing can I release and truly understand these moments in life. Like taking a step back, looking at it, thinking about it, and even talking about it doesn’t do too much for me. But good Lord, when I form these letters into words, into sentences..now I get it.

Today, I felt a lot of anger and frustration, mainly frustration about how I have this drive within, but I can not release it. It’s like I am the driver and for some reason the car that is suppose to show up for me to take on this part of life’s journey just has not shown up in this moment in my life. Then I started to think about what dreams did I have for myself when I was younger, even just ten years ago..before I did do hair. What did I want to do? To be? What did I really want to share with the world? Before doing hair, where did my sense of confidence drive from?

Then I thought about this image I had in my head..I was like Carrie Bradshaw. Happy, giddy, always in a cute outfit, and I wrote my mind’s stories on a laptop on my clean desk that was facing a window to the outdoors where I would stare off in. No worries, no responsibilities, no job to prep for the next day, no kids, just me and my laptop.

So I turned off the tv full of screaming housewives (love me some Jersey girls), and stared at the golden sunlight hitting the green tree leaves, as they turn from dark green to light green from the gold sunlight reflecting on them.

This is happiness, I thought. This magical moment the sun, the sky, and all of nature get to honor us every single day. Every day we get to watch this live performance of the sun coming up, and the sun going down. And if we’re still enough for it, we get to feel the presence of everything we are seeing. We get to clear away the slate of all the troubles of the day, we get to pack up all the memories in a treasure box for future years to speak about and share with others, and lastly, we get to experience a moment that becomes the past in just a second or less.

What will you do with your moments?

Me? I get to create them and reflect on them through words. More words that I do hope to share more of in more time to time.

But as for now, it’s still Sailboat Season. ⛵