Wednesday 1/11/23 Pictures Pictures

5:15a.m. I guess it is asking too much for three days good nights in a row. Last night was hell. Arthritis in my right knee was a five on my one to five pain scale. I  couldn’t reach the call light to call for a nurse. In addition and I had a few incontinence episodes.i So I was lying in urine because nobody came to check on me.

Aide came in and a got me out of bed around five. I was sure glad to get in my wheelchair. I’m still not doing very well. I have ah terrible headache. I feel like shit. I would like to go back to bed and never get up.

12:11p.m. I slept almost done all morning. Also, felt very depressed.  Depression and sleep go together, at least with me. I was up at times but couldn’t wait to get back to sleep. I just didn’t want to deal with anything so I slept. I just couldn’t handle the physical and mental torment.

When I was younger I felt with past breakups by going out to bed get dood and drunk. Gradually, I moved to more positive coping skills? One time I started a weight loss and exercise program. I’m lost about 60 pounds that one time. I can’t go out and get drunk in a nursing home. Not can I do much exercise being confined to a wheelchair. About all I can do is sleep then ruminate. Neither one is healthy.

They are passing bout drinks now. I am hoping the coffee will wake me up and put me in a better mood.

1:01p.m. i had meat loaf with mashed potatoes and gravy along with veggies and a fruit punch. Lunch was delicious. Also had a cup of fruit for desert and two coffees.  Downside is my bladder acts up every time I eat. I need changed. Still, I’m in a better mood thanks to good food and coffee.

3:06p.m. This is turning out to be a red letter day! Lynn, my physical therapy coach, came after lunch. We did different exercises and this session turned out completely different. Lynn and Darla gave me a pair of pants and a shirt. It feels so good to be dressed in male pants.  I feel like a man who hit a Mega Power ball. e thing I do not feel exposed in skimp hospital gowns. I’m not freezing my ass off or feel like I’m wearing dresses.!

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5:49p.m. I had two bbq pork sandwiches and potato peals for supper. The coffee machine broke down so no coffee. I did have three fruit punches for supper. 

I fell asleep and slept for a couple hours. Nurse woke me up around five for meds. It was a struggle to stay awake for supper but I somehow managed.

I still feel pretty good thanks to the new clothes. I never thought a simple pair of pants could make me feel so good. Funny how simple things like clothes  are taken for granted until they are lost. Then you realize the simple things in life are the most important. Everything else is just bullshit.

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Finially figured out how to upload pictures on this tablet. This is a recent selfie of me in my new clothes. It is easy once you learn how.. 

It looks like I’m up for the night I hope to spend the evening reading my book Restless Giant: The United States from Watergate to Bush v Gore. i hope to finish Chapter 5 which is about Ronald Reagan. 

7:40p.m.. I should stop reading her diary on Prosebox. For one, I feel like a crazy stalker. Then for another it just adds to the depression and pain. I can’t help myself because I can’t let go. I will always love Chocolatechip. I still care about her and I just have to see she is ok. 

I just finished reading her latest entry. She was thinking  about doing volunteer work someplace. Then she went on about being stalked by other tenants. She wrote how she could hear someone breathing heavily outside her door. Landlord is aware of the situation.  At a recent meeting he said cameras will be installed on the floors. 

I can’t get into my book tonight for worrying about Chocolatechip. I miss her terribly. I guess I am turning out to be a crazed x boyfriend. I don’t know at this point. I just do not know.

What gets me is she seems to be going on with her life?She writes a lot about keeping up with housework. She goes outside and tries to talk with people. She is keeping up with her doctors appointment. She is not sliding down the tubes like I am. Why can’t I just move on with my life?

I will tell you why. I put all my eggs in one basket. I had no other friends at Overbrook and am estranged from family. Consequently, Chocolatechip was my life. Now I have no friends or family. I’m stuck in this blasted nursing home with nobody to talk to. I have not had a single visitor since I been in here. 

I guess I’m having a massive potty party tonight. I just feel so depressed and alone. I felt like shit almost all day except when I got those new clothes Those ladies in PT brightened my day for awhile and I was I’ll never forget them.