Kinda hopeless

First thing. I want to say thank you and I so appreciate all of you who comment on my entries. I am trying to have something go right for all of you and myself. 

Also, I do read through your entries too. I just don’t know what to say sometimes and I feel like I may sound like a hypocrite to give advice.

Today I woke up feeling kind of hopeless. Thoughts about my job forced themselves into my mind. I realize that there is a special hell for people, like me, who makes things so personal. Why did this happen? I work through covid, she didn’t.  She toke several weeks off because of “covid exposure”. I literally trained her to do her job, which I was doing for months before her. I busted my ass to keep the place going when the other guy broke several ribs and couldn’t work. I worked overtime to keep our ability to issue dmv stuff and plates. All of this with no thanks, I guess I just answered the why.

I have applied to several jobs and haven’t heard a peep. I finally found a therapist and after waiting weeks, got a half-hour talk that I personally feel did nothing for me.

I still put out calls and messages to what seems no one. I just got dinged for $35.75 because I was a day late on rent, which I told them I would be. The place that left me stranded in my apartment twice this winter. Yes, it was crazy weather and yes, I understand only so much can be done, but when you watch the building across the way get plowed and cleared twice when yours is still feet deep it bothers you. This past Christmas storm they never came, the neighbors and myself shoveled a passable path. So, do I say something and take the chance of eviction when I have shit for money, no job, and nowhere to go? No, I bend over and bite down.

But that’s me. That’s all I have done in life. If you have read anything I have wrote, you know I have no backbone and I am nothing but a doormat for everyone and their brother. You see, when I have stood up for myself, it’s all been turned back on to me. People who said I should turn around and tell me I shouldn’t have.

So if I want to somehow make bad worse for me, I need to stand up for myself and lose what I have left. HOPELESS…