Monday 1/9/23
5:04a.m. The aides put me to bed around ten last night. Arthritis pain was two on!y one to five scale. Also I do not remember any nightmares or strange dreams. So I slept for a change Also, aide was fairly nice this morning. She got me out of bed by five and gave me a clean gown.
I think I came to a conclusion regarding Chocolatechip. It is over. There isn’t anything I can do to bring her back. The best thing for me to move on with my life. I miss her and there will always be a place in my hear for her. But agonizing over this all the will noth do anyone any good. I have to accept the fact she is gone and move on.
It hurts but pain and suffering is part of life. I guess we have to go through the bad times to appreciate and realize od. Also pain can harden us so we can face the challenges that lie ahead. Like I keep saying After all that what does not kill me makes me stronger.
So I will survive. This isn’t the first time but I swear it will be the last.
10:22a.m. I had a good breakfast. They served egg omelettes, two slices of toast and oatmeal cereal. I was also going had two coffees and a glass of oj. I fell asleep in my wheelchair and slept for the longest time. I would like to stay up and read but will probably go back to sleep. What a boring life I lead.
12:16p.m. Lunch will be here soon. According to the menu, they are serving chicken noodle casserole, carrots a dinner roll and pineapple tidbits for desert. I already had my lunch drinks, two coffees and a fruit punch. I should be Ra raring to go after.being fortified with good food and coffee. I’m going to read try and read my book, Restless Giant this afternoon.
6:12p.m. I think I have been very depressed today because all I want to do is sleep I slept the afternoon away. Also, I dont seem to be interested in things that once seemed important !Ike reading the New York Times. I never thought I’d get to this point but I’ve lost interest in reading. I try to read my beloved books but I fall asleep. It seems all I want to do is sleep.
These are signs of a major depressive episode. This breakup with Chocolatechip is hitting me very hard. I try to put on a bold front and move on but I just can’t. I still love her. Despite everything I will always love her. What especially hurt is she was the only friend I had in this world. Now I have nobody. This is making me very very depressed.
So I’ve been escaping by sleeping my life away. I can’t deal with these thoughts and feelings that are constantly haunting me. Sleep is my way of forgetting.At this point I don’t care if I ever wake up. Life is too painful.
But I was up for supper. I had a cake for desert. Then I had a bowl of ham and pinto beans, cottage cheese, tater tots and coleslaw. I ate it all and the was cheered up a bit. After six cups of coffee. three good meals and lots of sleep I feel awake now. I hope I can finally get in my book Restless Giant.
9:25 p.m. I am proud of myself. I stayed up after supper and read Chapter 3 in Restless Giant. It was about the Gerald Ford Administration. I enjoyed reading this chapter. I found it very interesting. I then started reading on Chapter 4 but didn’t get very far. I Feel somewhat better after getting lost in a good book for awhile.
I’m about ready to go to bed. I have been in this wheelchair since 5 in the morning. I’m not too tired though I slept through most of the day. Aides are cooperating tonight by letting me stay up longer. I’d like to read/listen to my book untill 11.