Saturday 1/7/23

7:45a.m. I had another shitty nnight.I had terrible arthritis pain in my right knee. On a scale of one to five it was a five. I couldn’t reach the call light for help. I screamed out in pain. Fortunately, I was able to get help and the nurse gave me a couple Tylenols. That settled the pain a little bit but my knees bothered me all night long. 

Then my phone rang around three o’clock. I have knew it wad Chocolatechip because she is the only one who calls. I didn’t answer because the aides put it out of reach. It made me kind of mad that she would call so early. Still, I kept the thinking about her wishing we could talk again ain. Then I started worrying ING about her thinking something bad  happened. Nothing good comes from a 3a.m call.

I must of gotten some sleep because I had this weird dream. I had this German Shepherd puppy.  I was holding this dog while we were climbing a mountain in the woods. We came upon an abandoned picnics area. There was this old brick fireplace also a couple seedy looking characters were there I hink they wanted to take down the fireplace I said no. Then my dog disappeared.

Aides came in at this point. I had a couple nice aides today. They cleaned me up and changed my briefs. I w as put in my wheelchair where I slept until breakfast. I had a coffee cake , scrambled eggs, two coffees and a glass of oj. Breakfast did the trick today. I think I am wide awake.

12:46p.m. I can’t get Chocolatechip out of my mind. i feel very, very depressed over this whole mess. She was the love of my life. We had our ups and downs over almost seventeen years. Before that we were friends for a long time before we became a couple. I am talking about a twenty year relationship. After this long a time it is impossible for me to just let go.

I wasted away the morning feeling sorry.for myself  I just sat in my wheelchair and could hardly keep from crying. Pain I feel right now is impossible to endure. I’m not going to do anything stupid. But I would not jump out of the way of an on coming truck. I try to put up a bold front but I  feel all is lost. I have nothing left to live for and I feel I’m ready to go.

I excaped by sleeping. I slept most of the morning away. I was up for lunch. I want to die but I don’t want to go hungry. I had two pork chops with gravy, sweet potatoes and green beans. I also had a dinner roll and pears for desert. The two cups of coffee and a glass of fruit punch lifted my spirits. somewhat I’m up but wish to hell I can go back to sleep 

Life sure sucks big time. It is full of pain, misery and dashed dreams. If you are lucky you find a little  bit of happiness. But it does not last.  What happiness you do find is gone, gone with the wind. 

I’ve been dumped lots of times. Each time hurt more than the last. This time is the worse. After all, Chocolatechip was the love of my life. I thought we would be at least friends for the duration. But it was not to be. So I lost everything it hurts just like the first time. But no more. This is the last time I’ll let anyone hurt me. I’m too old for this shit.

6:16p.m I’m doing better. I listened to my audiobook Grand Expectations: The United States 1945-1974 by James T Patterson. My next read is Restless Giant : The United States from Watergate to Bush v Gore by the same author. I started reading this s book just before supper. I had two Philly Cheese steak sandwiches,tater tots and a brownie for desert. Books and a good meal put me in a better mood.

As I said before books provide a lot of comfort. Books have helped me through many rough and lonely times.   I for about an hour, took a nap then finished  my book before supper.  I felt restored after dinner. All three helped restore my spirits. Life almost seams bearable.

No matter what I will always love Chocolatechip.it is impossible to turn off these feelings just because she wants to end our relationship. But I will respect her wishes by not contacting her. This will not be easy but I will abide by her rules.

My plan for coping with this is read, read read then write, write write. I’m not, repeat not, going to do anything stupid. I’m not going to broke ad and broadband make myself depressed. I’m going to move on and stay strong. I will take comfort in my books. My books will never leave me. I will never be alone thanks to my books.