Friday 1/6/23 Goodbye Chocolatechip

7:38a.m. I had a lousy aide last night and the same one in the morning. I swear she has it in for me. She does her job but her bed side manner sucks. She is also very rough. She will push my Bad Leg to roll me over. It hurts like hell. I think she is angry because she has to work here.

I didn’t sleep last nigh. I was freezing. GD aides insist on running a fan despite the cold weather. I must of gotten some sleep because I had a weird dream. I was dreaming about my family. I had a birthday and I got a card from my brother with $30 in it. I used it to buy pizza. I shared it with my nephews and nieces. 

My family was going on about how my brother owned a business in New Jersey. They wanted me to go over there and get a job.  But he didn’t want to hire me and I really did not want to go. This created an argument between my parents, my brother and me. What started out as a good dream soon turned ugly.

Despite the nasty aide I was glad to get up at 4:45. I slept in my wheelchair for about an hour or so. I wanted  to call Chocolatechip but kept saying to myself give her “space.” I did read her entry last night and I left her a nice note on Messenger. I said ” I will always love you and my door is always open if you need to talk.” 

I had a good breakfast . Today I had scrambled eggs, French toast, two cups of coffee and a glass of oj.  It was good and I ate it all. Food and books always make me feel better.

10:32a.m. I am in the Fiesta Room. They are having a coffee and news hour social. I like to bring my tablet with me and read The New York Times. I figure it would do me good to get out of my room. I can alway use the coffee and I haven’t been able to read the paper in awhile. I been sleeping too much during the day

 I’m taking the news about the breakup well. At least I haven’t gone to pieces. Don’t get me wrong. I miss talking to Chocolatechip I will always love her.  I am not out there looking for anyone else . But I can’t let myself go down the tubes. It hurts big time but I must stay strong and get on with my life.

I have my books to keep me company. I think it was Emerson who said something like ta man is never alone in his library. I find this to be e an apt saying. I never feel alone because books open up a new and wonderful world.. My books are my friends for they have provided comfort and company through many rough times. So I will be ok thanks to my books.

Speaking of such I listened to two chapters in my audiobook Grand Expectations The United States 1945-1974 by James T Patterson. I listened to the chapter on “The Turbulent Year 1968.” It was very very interesting. I lived through the events the author discussed. I remember listening to the Democratic Convention of 1968 and the riots. This chapter brought back many memories..

Well, going to download the Times and see what’s going on in the world. 

2:32p.m.  I did not read the paper as intended. They wheeled me back to my room after my third coffee. I had two cups this morning and three at the social. I should have been ready to kick some serious butts. But I fell asleep after I got back. I had slept until they served drinks for lunch. I had two more cups of coffee and a fruit drink.

Lunch was delicious I had two huge breaded pieces of fish, potato peal, broccoli, a dinner roll and a spice cake. I should have been wide awake after all that food and caffeine. But I fell asleep again. I slept untill they took me to physical therapy. 

I did ok at PT. I did the usual exercises. One was throwing socks in a basket. I didn’t do very well with this.i never was good at basketball. Then I had to stand on the parallel bars. I stood once for two minutes ten seconds. They wanted me to try a second time but my knees were hurting too bad. I thought my efforts today were lack luster compared with Thursday.

While standing my coach asked me when I saw the for my knees. I saw I’d I saw a Dr Purewell several years ago. He said I needed hip and knee surgery. I didn’t want it back then and still don’t. I old Lynn, my coach , I would rather put up with the pain and die intact. She said her husband had two knee surgeries and one hip replacement. I seriously doubt I could stand one.

I did manage to call Chocolatechip today. I told her Ibout going to the coffee social. She got back to me on Messenger. She was happy to hear that I went and to keep up the e good work. That wad the extent of our conversation today. Like I said give her space. Hopefully she will come back to me.

Think I’ll go up for a snack then listen to my book.

5:35p.m. I think I reached my limit. I was on the phone with  Chocolatechip. The conversation went well or so I thought. Then she sent me a message on Messenger. She wants a clean break. She said she does not think it is a good idea to talk on the phone or message each other. She seems to think I will find someone else. Then she would be the focus of my attention. She would  rather make a clean sweep now than lose a friend.

If that is what Chocolatechip wants then fine with me! Hell with it. I’m not going to respond on Messenger or on the phone!  I’m really hurt that after nearly a seventeen year realtionship she ends it with a text message This really,really hurts big time.

  There is no turning back. It is over quicker than a nano second. We have broken up before but have always gotten back together. It is permanent this time. If she wants to crawl back I do not think I will take her back. Because each time hurts more. I cannot t Ake this shit anymore

 She is the one who wants to cut the ties.. If that is the case, and it seems pretty sure it is, then there is nothing I can do. All I know is our almost seventeen year relationship is through!

I can go on and on about this but what good will it do? It will only make me sick. Like I said before dwelling  on this will only cause me Togo down the tubes. I’m hurting big time now but I cannot let that happen. I will quickly get over this latest blow and get on with whatever is left with my life.

I ate my supper. I had a chicken pot pie and an orange. I had two more cups of coffee and a fruit punch. I must of drank a gallon of coffee today so I will be up. I intend to have a good evening and listen to my audiobook Grand Expectations: The United States 1945-1974 by James T Patterson  I have three more chapters to go and I’m done with it. I hope to finish it this weekend