Flying to Boston

I’m on the airplane now, traveling back to Eric’s. Soon to be, my house. I’m absolutely exhausted. My body aches from exhaustion. I can’t sleep. My insomnia is worse than it’s ever been. I’ve managed 4.5 hours of sleep in the last two days. 8 hours in the last 3 days. I have slept in 1-3 hour increments. Managed a nap Friday before going out. I haven’t been running around and running myself into the ground, resulting in no sleep. I just literally can’t sleep. I lie I’m bed, unable to fall asleep. When I eventually do fall asleep, after a full day of being awake, I’m unable yo sleep for long. The first night after Matt died I took a lot of drugs to help me sleep. I can’t take that much on a regular basis. I’ve tried taking just an ambian a few nights and still can’t sleep. I’m praying that getting back into a routine with Eric will help. And sex. Sex usually helps. I’m also worried that my insomnia will continue. It stresses me out. The idea of lying awake with him and potentially keeping him awake. And how much more I can take before I break.

I am super happy to see Eric today! My flight is about an hour delayed and that just feels like torture. He continues to just blow me away.

Eric yesterday: I bought champagne and juice so we can make mimosas

Me: okay

Eric: we can drink mimosas while we get pedicures tomorrow

🤯 💜🤯💜

WHAT?!? That’s the cutest idea ever. Apparently we are taking travel mugs of mimosas with us (the nail salon is walkable)

He also called me yesterday before going to the grocery store. “What would you like? I’ll get you some kefir, yogurt, I’ll grill so chicken tonight for salads, I’ll buy salad stuff….you have protein shakes here still…anything else you want right away? We can do a bigger shop once you’re here.”

Matt and I were married for 12 years and I don’t think he could have gone to the store for me with such ease. Matt often did the shopping but always relied on a list. He didn’t just “learn” me and remember what I liked. It’s simple, but meaningful.

So many other small things that add up. And to Eric, it’s just that, small. It’s “me being myself” and he reminds me that the bar was set pretty low before!

I saw Mike Friday night. It was the first time we saw each other since August 3rd. I missed him. More than I realized. It was so good to see him.  He lives about 45 south of me. Plans for the night were to celebrate a friend’s birthday 45 minutes north of me. He and his friend John picked me up on the way up. Because of the drive and because he carpooled with John, I didn’t end up back at his place. I found some moments to sneak off with him away from my friends. We flirted and kissed and teased. We also talked. He learned that I was moving to MA and it took him a good part of the night to be okay with getting physically close to me. He said at one point, pointing out the physical space between us, that he was intentionally keeping that space because I was leaving and didn’t want to be hurt. I asked if he remembered when we first met and he told me that he just wanted casual and fun. He did. But to him, casual and fun was what we had been doing before I left in august. It was not, me disappearing for 4 months at a time. I had communicated my intention to see him Saturday night, but my lack of sleep and utter exhaustion got the better of me. I made it clear that even after I move I’d like to figure out how to still see him, but I don’t want to hurt him. He asked how he could be assured that things wouldn’t change again, the rules wouldn’t change and Eric would want to be mono and I’d pull back again. I told him very honestly that I couldn’t give him that guarantee. That Eric came first. He was my primary. And that I could only promise to be honest and upfront with mike at all times.  Mike accused me of not being honest and upfront this summer. I totally understand from his perspective how it felt that way. How he had barely learned of Eric and a week later I was telling him that Eric and I were exclusive. I explained though that I was honest about everything, things were just in such flux at the time, they changed so quickly. I never expected Eric to get his life in order the way he did. I didn’t expect us to be dating exclusively. I didn’t expect to be mono and to give up Mike. I didn’t expect to now be moving to MA. I also reminded Mike that we had always had bar dates, drunken sex and I would leave. The night he learned of Eric is the first night we had a real date. Went to dinner and really started to learn about one another. I wouldn’t say I kept anything from him because of that, because up until July, Eric was with Leslie and I was moving on. I had signed up and paid for a matchmaking service! I would have never done that if I remotely thought this was where Eric and I were headed. It sucks to see Mike hurt. He really likes me too. He had other options and he’s not pursing them. Not to say he’s not going out at all, but I do feel that we have chemistry and he’s interested in more than I can give. It’s hard for me too though….I really like him. I’d ideally like to still see him. If I could visit him every couple months and stay for a weekend, that would make me happy. But, I don’t know that I can convince Eric of that. And I don’t know if that’s enough for Mike.

I’ve told Eric that he’s welcome to continue dating once I’m moved in. He’s questioning if he wants to. And apparently has told his ladies that he isn’t sure what will happen once I move in. I think his choices are partially influenced by being uncomfortable with me dating. He struggles with jealousy but knows he can’t be hypocritical. It’s going to be an interesting transition!