emotional rollercoaster

I don’t know what causes it, moment to moment, but I will be totally okay one moment and find myself unable to concentrate on the incredible amount of work I have to do, with tears swelling in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I am utterly exhausted. I have a terrible time falling asleep at night and today I didn’t want to get out of bed.

I am feeling frustrated about stuff with Matt. I don’t think people are being unfair or exaggerating positive qualities, but I feel like he really shouldn’t be celebrated. He died a hugely selfish death. Mental illness or not. When he was healthy, he made choices around his recovery that created this opportunity for a relapse. He didn’t take therapy seriously. He didn’t find healthy coping mechanisms. He lied to avoid the tough work. He was a MENTAL HEALTH & SUBSTANCE ABUSE RN! He knew clinically speaking what was required for long term recovery. But, it was good enough for everyone else, but him. He hurt people over the years. Me, his family, Aaron, other relationships, friends. He made grand promises 6 years ago that he would never go back to this place. People are hurting all over again, and worse. He didn’t take care of his affairs. He left so many things unraveled for other people to deal with. So. Much. Selfishness. People are posting online memories of him. Singing of his selflessness. Praising him. I am stuck in a place of anger at the  moment where I can’t let go of all the bad to want to celebrate anything good. Remembering all the good feels like erasing the bad, like he is some hero for ending his life.