BIGGEST HEARTBREAK

It’s hard to say goodbye to someone who you wish was still in your life. I don’t want to say goodbye, I have to. I have to because if let him back in, he will continue the same pattern. It’s a classic formula for disrespect. Once it’s set, there is no changing it no matter how badly I can hope. It’s the biggest heartbreak because it forces you to face your biggest loneliness. Everything ices over. It feels like a never ending snow day, freezing over the love that once existed. The love that made the early morning sunshine feel like a playful song. The love that I hoped would cuddle me in a blanket of safety. The love where I touch his hand and I’m on another planet. The love to escape in, to avoid finding myself.
But what I got is the opposite. I got cold stares, twisted stomachs full of pain, feeling numb just to avoid feeling his rejection.

The love is gone. The respect is gone. Holding on to my dignity. Holding on for my dear life because it’s all I have. Because if I let go, I will fall back and I will lose myself. I will lose myself in him. I will lose myself in his pain. Anything to avoid feeling my own. And that’s the heartbreak I can’t afford.