I’m empty

Dear Diary,

Well, I’ve migrated to this since I’m too lazy to write. I feel like this also makes me feel like I don’t know..maybe I’m typing to a friend. Currently, I’m just existing. I feel numb and life is very dull for me. M still hasn’t read my messages and the temptation to try one more time grows within me daily. It will be the 7th attempt. Oh, how I fucked it up. I think at this point, I’d just love to know if he has read even one message. Then again, why would he? He doesn’t owe me anything.

Still, as much as I feel I’ve moved on and I feel I could possibly forget and remove him from my life…a lot of this darkness I’m surrounded by comes from him not being with me anymore. And with every little problem I have, he comes crawling from the depths of my mind I’ve buried him in, into the front and I’m engulfed with the pain he is not here. Not here with me. Not anymore.

Now I feel sad. You more than anyone knows I feel sad all the time. Even if I have the best day, sadness lingers throughout my body. I cannot escape feeling sad. I hate feeling sad. I hate feeling lonely. I hate feeling numb. But I cannot imagine myself any other way. Sometimes I just wanna cry, but I’ve used a lot of tears already.

-T