withdrawls

so.. one of the scariest things that happened to be, besides being homeless, was withdrawls from clonepam or clonazapam.

when i moved from ri to florida i was sure i would be able to get my meds filled by the new doctor. but she wouldn’t fill my clonepam because it’s a controlled substance. which scared me. i wasn’t sure what to do. i hadn’t been to a psychologist yet or a doc to get things sorted. this was a regular doctor. and i wasn’t sure if she was gonna give me my meds. my last doctor did.

so i was going through withdrawls… i didn’t know i was. i’ve never been through them before. hot sweats. my body felt on fire. and like my veins had static in them. i had bad nightmares. my body twitched uncontrollably at times. i thought i wss dying. this lasted for about two weeks. two weeks of hell. still to this day i feel it. but honestly im glad im off it. because that med from what i read is really really bad news. i won’t ever go back on it if given the option. i don’t ever wanna withdrawl that bad ever again.

i have my first psychologist appointment on the 16th of this month. im scared. im nervous. i wanna cancel. but i know i can’t. i’ll be going alone. which scares me too. but i know i need to do this. i hope im able to get new anxiety meds and maybe better depression meds. i’ve been taking cbd gummies and valerian root for anxiety and it helps a bit. not fully.

im tired. nightmares all night. just like when i was withdrawing. it sucks. but it’ll be ok. im hoping someday this all gets better. i get better somehow. if i am autistic i know i won’t ever be normal. and that’s ok. normal is overrated. i just want people to be nice. maybe make friends?