Turmoil!!!

My exam is just a few weeks away and I am so not prepared. But anyway…. yesterday I was studying some notes on the Life Cycle in Judaism, and it got me thinking. Well, the last few days I have been thinking a lot. Thinking about how when I decided to convert and take on this journey and identity and find my rightful community and place; I was so sure that converting was the right thing for me. I still am, but now…my husband is Christian and I am realizing how much better and easier my life would be I loved a Jewish man.

Besides having a plan and guide for my future family and my home, my marriage would have so much more structure…at least that is what I would like to think.

I read some pages about the Jewish Marriage Certificate/Contract =  and oh how I wish my husband and I went into some contractual agreement when we got married. It would be so great to have made an agreement before on what each of our responsibilities would be towards each other and we made agreements on how things would go. My sister told me many years ago about how her husband failed to live up to his responsibilities and so she could call him out on it and, obviously along with other issues, they got divorced a little over a year ago. But my husband has no set out requirements or responsibilities towards our home and living. Basically, what he does and ask him to do, is just general obvious things and since it was never set out from day one that it is his duty to see that through, I am always the one having to cover up and sort things out. Like on Saturday night we found a leak in our kitchen sink…I don’t know why people advertise 24/7 but when you call them, they don’t answer their phone, but anyway so I couldn’t get a plumber all weekend…I get home from my study session yesterday and he had taken apart the pipes…he made no effort towards getting a plumber or anything because  would sort it out. His sister has been staying with us for over a month now and I have been the only one seeing to us all staying fed and entertained. I feel so on my own…I sort everything out and for years this is how it has been with us…my husband’s excuse was that everything was on my name so he didn’t feel right doing anything when they would ask for my details. What absolute bullshit…he can ask me for my details when he called them…he could change things, so they were on his name…he is just so fucking happy with me having to carry the weight of it all. I am so tired and have so much going on and have to handle. Right now, I am feeling so alone.

Often this weekend I dreamed about having an affair and finding someone that just loved me and I felt was an equal in life and home and someone that actually treasured me and wanted our life to be all sunshine and happiness and even though there were tough times, I wish I had a partner through it all as supposed to my husband who either creates the problem or expects me to tidy it up.

The plan was for us to have a braai on Saturday and just be joyous…but on Sat morning I didn’t feel like getting up and organizing everything…so he took my bank card,  and him and his sister went shopping. I told them what to buy and what shops to go to…while I am lying in bed, I get Notifications that my card was used in a shop that I told them not to shop at…and then a few min later they spend a little over  just on alcohol. Wherever I look in my kitchen; this is  . Yesterday when I came back from my study session, with friends, and fetched them to go out for supper, which I know I shouldn’t have done because it was another expense that I would have to cover, but I didn’t feel like going home to a kitchen where there was no sink etc…anyway so he gets in the car and I can see he is drunk already…she tells me that he drank 750ml of vodka by himself. Of course, when we were out, he got himself a double Vodka, Lime and Lemonade.

I went onto  this morning and went onto an old friend’s page and saw pictures of her and her High School Sweetheart and their kids and how happy that are and stuff, and I nearly burst out crying thinking how I am never going to have that.

When my husband says    , lately I have been unable to say it back because I don’t think I am  with him anymore. I do love him, but I am not happy with him or with life.

Just thinking…so I have the bariatric op in a few weeks…and lose weight and make more of an effort to get out and look good…if an attractive and successful guy approached me, would I look away?

 and 

While typing all this, I have decided that tonight I am sitting them both down or at least just him and I am laying it all out…maybe he will leave me…