Andy.

A break in my confessional.

This is for you, if you actually come to read this.  To tell you how sorry I am for causing you pain. For hurting you… The problem is I didn’t realize I had the power to hurt you. Or anyone.  I felt insignificant to the point where… I don’t even know…. Just made myself feel small and insignificant in my own life.  So much so that I put myself on the outside looking in.

In my head I had this version of myself that I wanted so badly to be.  Why was I so scared to be openly loving?  All I ever wanted was to be able to fully open myself up to you but I never allowed myself to be who I knew I could be.  Yes,you hurt me too.  But I didn’t need to hurt you back.  I’m trying to figure out why my response is always lash out or seek validation from anywhere.  I don’t know.

All I know is that I’ve lost everything. Everything. And I want it all back.

But I’m out of chances. You’re out of love.  I’m out of luck.  And I am going to be sorry for the rest of my life.

You are worth it though.  I would take a this pain again and again just to be with you…. But if we are doing wishful thinking, I’d just change myself and avoid it all.

I never set out to hurt you, just myself. I never thought I was worth loving enough that watching me hurt myself would hurt you in the many ways it has.

I wish you nothing but happiness, even if it’s not with me.  My heart just won’t let you go… But that’s for me to deal with.

Andy, you are imprinted on my soul so so deeply.  The changes I’m making are for you and because of you.  Even if I never get you again. It’s all for you.  I will love you always, I will be so very deeply sorry until my last breath.