Me.

I was born in small town Ontario, Canada. We didn’t have a lot of money growing up, but wow, there was so much love.  My parents were loving and fun.  They always made time for my older sister and I.  There were many neighbourhood kids to play with. I remember it was so happy.

This is where I find myself looking to every time my life goes up in flames, looking for answers as to where it went wrong. What broke me so fully that I sit here, quickly approaching 40 wondering how and where my life got so off track, where it got so complicated.

I do not entirely know what has drawn me to write this. Maybe my ex is right. Maybe I really am so broken that I need attention. But at the same time, do I really care if anyone takes the time to read this? Maybe I finally feel safe to anonymously tell my truth.  Maybe writing this will help me peel back the layers and really examine who I am vs. who I want to be.  Maybe, just maybe, I can heal a bit in the process.  I don’t really know what it is I’m looking for.

What I do know is that without some sort of release, the darkness will take over and I don’t know if I am strong enough to fight it this time.  Mental health help is months away due to long wait lists.  I don’t want to get lost in its waves of grief and helplessness. So I have to try something.  I want to be here.  I want to break through. I want to be happy.  I have 2 wonderful, amazing children I need to watch grow up. I need to be strong.  I need to fight like hell to save myself FROM myself.